(Pull back from a shot of an old little Ford Popular to reveal
Mr. and Mrs. Norris, standing with it outside the front garden of a
small suburban semi-detached house.)
Voice Over: Who, a year ago, had heard of Mr. and Mrs.
Brian Norris of 37, Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green? And yet their
epic journey in EBW 343 has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl and
Sir Edmund Hillary. Starting only with a theory, Mr. Norris set out
to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been
descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek
north. No newcomer to this field, Mr. Norris's 'A Short History of
Motor Traffic Between Parley and Esher' had become a best-selling
minor classic in the car-swapping belt.
(shot of Mr. Norris gazing into a window, where his book lies;
there is a sign saying 'Remaindered)
But why would the people of Surbiton go to Hounslow? Mr. Norris
had noticed three things:
(split-screen shot of two identical semi-detached houses)
Firstly, the similarity of the houses. Secondly, the similarity
of the costume between Hounslow and Surbiton,
(similarly, dressed suburbanites on either side of the split
screen)
and thirdly, the similarity of speech.
(Split screen.)
Man on Right: Are you still running the GDBDMDB?
Man on Left: Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled
to remove tamping.
Man on Left: Jolly good.
Voice Over: Were these just coincidences, or were they, as
Mr. Norris believed, part of an identical cultural background? One
further discovery convinced him.
(cut to two lawnmowers arranged on a table, as if they were
exhibits in a museum, with type-written documentation in front of
them for the visitor)
The lawnmower. Surely such a gadget could not have been generated
independently in two separate areas. Mr. Norris was convinced.
Mr. Norris's Voice: I'm convinced.
Voice Over: But how to prove it.
Mr. Norris's Voice: But how to prove it.
Voice Over: There was only one way to see if the journey
between Surbiton and Hounslow was possible, and that was to try and
make it. Months of preparation followed whilst Mr. Norris continued
his research in the Putney Public Library,
(Mr. Norris in a library reading a book titled 'The Lady with
the Naked Skin' by Paul Fox Jr.)
and Mrs. Norris made sandwiches.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Norris leaving their home.)
Voice Over: Finally, by April, they were ready. On the
23rd, Mr. and Mrs. Norris set out from 'Abide-A-Wee' to motor the
fifteen miles to Surbiton, watched by a crowd of local well-wishers.
(one tiny child holding a small British flag)
That evening they dined at Tooting.
(quick flash of them sitting in the window of a Golden Egg or
Wimpy place)
This would be the last they'd see of civilization. Mr. Norris's
diary for the 23rd reveals the extraordinary calmness and deep inner
peacefulness of his mind.
(We see the diary.)
Mr. Norris's Voice: 7.30 Fed cat. 8.00 Breakfast. 8.30 Yes
(successfully). 9.00 Set out on historic journey.
(Cut to Mr. Norris's car driving along a suburban road. A sign
says 'You are now leaving Surbiton, gateway to Esher'.)
Voice Over: On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the
traffic, Mr. Norris's historic expedition set out from Surbiton -
destination Hounslow. Early on they began to perceive encouraging
signs.
(cut to sign saying 'Hounslow 25 miles '; Mr. Norris closely
examines the sign, as would an archaeologist)
The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same as the
writing in the AA book. They were on the right route. During the
long hours of the voyage, Mr. Norris's wife Betty kept a complete
photographic record and made sandwiches. This is some of the unique
footage which Mrs. Norris got back from the chemists...
(badly, shot pictures of sandwiches, with fingers in the lens,
etc.)
Mile succeeded mile and the terrific strain was beginning to tell
when suddenly,
(chord; Mr. Norris points excitedly, pull back to reveal him
standing on a bridge over the Kingston by-pass examining it through
field glasses)
by an amazing stroke of luck, Mr. Norris had come across the
Kingston by-pass. This was something to tell the Round Table.
(cut to a map, it traces the two routes in red as the voice
talks)
At this stage, Mr. Norris was faced with two major divergent
theories concerning his Surbiton ancestors. Did they take the
Kingston by-pass, turning left at Barnes, or did they strike west up
the A308 via Norbiton to Hampton Wick? Both these theories ran up
against one big obstacle - the Thames, (the car at a river bank;
Mr. and Mrs. Norris puzzling; behind them three or four bridges with
traffic pouring over) lying like a silver turd between Richmond
and Isleworth. This was a major setback. How could they possibly
cross the river? Several hours of thought produced nothing. There
was only one flask of coffee left when suddenly Mr. Norris spotted
something.
(cut to a sign saying Metropolitan Railway)
Could this have been the method used? Hardly daring to believe,
Mr. Norris led his expedition on to the 3.47.
(cut to them getting on the train)
Forty minutes later, via Clapham, Fulham, Chiswick and Brentford,
they approached their goal: Hounslow.
(a sign saying 'Hounslow Central'; Mr. Nortis sticks a British
flag on the platform; he poses for his wife's photos; much hand
shaking)
Was this, then, the final proof? Something aroused the
accountant's instinct buried deep in Mr. Norris's make-up.
(cut to Mr. Norris's eyes and furrowed brow)
The journey was possible, and yet ....
(zoom in on railway timetable on wall saying 'Trains to
Surbiton every half hour)
'Wrong Way' Norris had accidentally stumbled on a piece of
anthropological history. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow who had
made the great trek south to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton, and
not vice versa, as he had originally surmised. This was the secret
of Surbiton! Happy and contented Mr. Norris returned to the calmer
waters of chartered accountancy, for, in his way, 'Wrong Way' Norris
was right.
(Music swells, over book title 'The Story of EBW 343 ' by
'Wrong Way' Norris.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
Monty
Python Scripts