(Cut to a headmaster's study.)
Headmaster: Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door;
it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right,
it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a
unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were
attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week
the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
Stebbins: It was Tidwell's idea, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by
the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.
Stebbins: Thank you, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of
extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! l made it
quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these
massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that
clear, Balderston?
Balderston: Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a
'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form
from Mr. Dibley.
Balderston: Sorry, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I
called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble
with her,.. er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit
of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence)
Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises
hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want you to cut
along and have a look at the wife.
Tidwell: Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a
gynecologist.
Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!
Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a
gynecologist?
Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?
Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty
guineas, sir.
Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to
see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the
results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!
Monty
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