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Monty Python Scripts

Schoolboys' Life Assurance Company

The cast:

HEADMASTER
Michael Palin
STEBBINS
Eric Idle
BALDERSTON
Terry Gilliam
TIDWELL
Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Cut to a headmaster's study.)

Headmaster: Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door; it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right, it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.

Stebbins: It was Tidwell's idea, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.

Stebbins: Thank you, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! l made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?

Balderston: Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a 'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form from Mr. Dibley.

Balderston: Sorry, sir.

Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her,.. er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence) Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want you to cut along and have a look at the wife.

Tidwell: Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynecologist.

Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!

Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynecologist?

Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.

Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?

Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty guineas, sir.

Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!

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