(Sketch continues from 'Mr. Neutron is Still Missing'.
In the meantime, we have mixed through to Neutron's suburban sitting
room. He is standing in the doorway gazing at something off camera.
He holds an envelope which he has just opened and a letter.)
Voice Over: In fact he had fallen in love... with the lady
who 'does' for Mrs. Entrail...
(The camera pans across to a slovenly char in paisley apron,
furry slippers and head scarf Throughout this scene we hear the
sound of bombers and the distant mulled sound of explosions.)
Mrs. Scum: Oh 'ello Mr. N, terrible about Enfield, innit?
It's all gone. So's Staines ... lovely shops they used to have in
Staines... and Stunmore, where the AA offices used to be. I don't
know where we'll pay our AA subscriptions to now. Do you know where
we'll have to pay our AA. subscriptions to now, Mr. N?
Mr. Neutron: 1 didn't know you were a member of the AA
Mrs. S .C.U.M.
Mrs. Scum: Oh yes. Ever since the Corsair broke down in
Leyonstone ... they towed it all the way to Deauville FOC. (Mr.
Neutron looks blank) Free of Charge. Well my husband Ken, K.E.N.,
Mr. Neutron: Oh, forget about your husband, Mrs. S.C.U.M.
- or may I call you Mrs. S?
Mrs. Scum: You can call me Linda, if you like.
Mr. Neutron: No, I'd rather call you Mrs. S.
Mrs. Scum: Oh...
Mr. Neutron: (as if trying to soften the blow) And
you can call me Mr. N.
Mrs. Scum: Well... that's what I was calling you.
Mr. Neutron: Mrs. S, there is something I have to tell
Mrs. Scum: Yes, Mr. N?
Mr. Neutron: I have just won a Kellogg's Corn Flake
Mrs. Scum: Oh Mr. N! That's wonderful!
Mr. Neutron: I got the ball in exactly the right place∑
The prize is £5,000 in cash, or as much ice cream as you can eat.
(Her eyes go round as saucers and all thoughts of returning to
her marital bed vanish under the impact of such imminent wealth.)
Mrs. Scum: £5,000!
Mr. Neutron: I was thinking of taking the ice cream.
Mrs. Scum: (alarmed) Oh no!
Mr. Neutron: It's been so hot recently.
Mrs. Scum: You couldn't eat that much ice cream Mr. N.
Mr. Neutron: Mrs. S, I can eat enormous quantifies of ice
cream without being sick.
Mrs. Scum: Oh no! Take the £5,000! Please take the £5,000.
Mr. Neutron: I was thinking. If we got married...
Mrs. Scum: Oh yes! (she sits very close to him)
Mr. Neutron: We could use the £5,000 to buy a spoon...
Mrs. Scum: Oh! We could buy a lot more than that!
Mr. Neutron: And then fill up with ice cream.
Mrs. Scum: Not Forget about the ice cream. We need the
Mr. Neutron: We need nothing. For there is something I
have not told you Mrs. S.C.U.M.
Mrs. Scum: Oh please call me Mrs. S.
Mr. Neutron: No I would rather go back to calling you Mrs.
S.C.U.M., Mrs. S.C.U.M. I am the most powerful man in the universe.
There is nothing I cannot do.
Mrs. Scum: Oh Mr. N.
Mr. Neutron: I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had
his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had
whoever he had, I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the
Mrs. Scum: Oh Mr. N. That I should be so lucky!
Mr. Neutron: You're not Jewish are you?
(Cut back to the Yukon. The trapper, Captain Carpenter and the
dog are still sitting round the dying campfire aver the remains of
supper. They are all looking a little bit bored. The dog has
obviously been telling long reminiscences.)
Dog: Another time when I was in Cairo, I was disguised as
a water hydrant. The whole top part of my head had been removed
Carpenter: Please, Mr. Salad .... you must tell us where
Dog: And I functioned! D'you hear? I really worked. I
could put out a fire.
Carpenter: Please, Mr. Salad...
Dog: Mind you, it hurt a bit...
Carpenter: Please, Mr. Salad - there isn't much time.
Where will we find Neutron?
Dog: OK. Give me another meatball and I'll tell you.
(Carpenter grabs a meatball and throws it down for the dog.
The dog wolfs it. Carpenter and Trapper exchange glances. Carpenter
bends nearer the dog. The dog finishes the meatball with much
slurping. Carpenter crouches beside him patiently.)
Dog: OK listen carefully... I won't repeat this. You
Carpenter: Yes yes - quick.
Dog: I know where Neutron is fight now. I know the exact
address and the exact house and the exact road...
Carpenter: OK where is he?
Dog: He's not in America...
Dog: He's not in... Asia!
Dog: He's not in.., Australia!
Dog: He's in... Europe!
Dog: And you wanna know where in Europe?
Dog: OK. OK, I'll tell you. He's in England... In
London... at Number 19...
(A sudden explosion completely engulf them. Cut to the supreme
commander's office. He is still nude and has an enormous display of
talcs and powders on his desk. He is talking to the intercom.)
Commander: OK. That's the Yukon - what's left?
Voice Only: Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office,
Commander: OK! Let's start with my office. (a big
(Cut to the Gobi Desert. Sweltering heat. We come onto a group
opening a GPO box. There is a line of boxes stretching into the
distance as far as the eye can see. Arabic is being spoken by the
GPO Official: Ankwat i odr inkerat Gobi Desert Ulverston
SUBTITLE: 'THIS NEW BOX COMPLETES THE ENCIRCLEMENT OF THE GOBI
GPO Official: Ik artwar, hyaddin... (etc.)
SUBTITLE; 'THE POST OFFICE IS NOW IN A POSITION TO ACHIEVE
COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION'
(A terrific explosion. Cut to Neutron and Mrs. Scum.)
Mr. Neutron: I will take you away from all this Mrs.
Mrs. Scum: Oh, Mr. N... I'd follow you anywhere.
Mr. Neutron: We will have two weeks in Benidorm.
Mrs. Scum: Oh yes ... yes.
Mr. Neutron: And I will make you the most beautiful woman
in the world.
(He stretches out his hands towards her. His piercing eyes
narrow in concentration. There is a flash, a jump cut, and Mrs. S
stands before him as dumpy and unattractive as ever, but in a brand
new C & A twin set and pearls, a nice new handbag, and a rather
Mrs. Scum: Oh... it's beautiful... oh, Mr. N, you have
made my heart sing... (quick cut to stock fiilm of bomber then
back to Mrs. Scum) Late in life's pageant it may be ... but you
have made roses bloom anew for me... (quick flash of bomber then
back to Mrs. Scum) Life's rich harvest is being...
Mr. Neutron: Shut up, Mrs. S. We must hurry...
(He takes her hand and pulls her away.)
Mrs. Scum: I'd better leave a note for Ken... he'll be
(ANIMATION: the world destroyed and burning.)
Voice Over: Has Mr. Neutron escaped in time? Is the world
utterly destroyed? How can Mr. Neutron and his child bride survive?
Will his mighty powers be of any avail against the holocaust? Stay
tuned to this channel.
(Cut to a man in a grey suit in a studio.)
Man: Hello. Well in fact what happens is that they are
saved by Mr. Neutron's mighty powers just as the last bomb falls on
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A MAN FROM THE "RADIO TIMES"'
Man: However, the Earth has been blown off its axis, and
in a most dramatic and dangerous and expensive sequence, it spins
off into space. There are appallingly expensive scenes of
devastation and horror and the find incredibly expensive climax is
reached as thousands of ape monsters in very expensive costumes
descend from the sky onto these, plug up a whole city which has to
be specially built and fling them all into the sea very expensively.
And we can see those very expensive scenes fight now. (the
credits staff on his TV set) Just after the credits have gone
through... incidentally, these are going to be the most expensive
and lavish scenes ever filmed by the BBC in conjunction with
Time-Life of course ... these are some of the technical people who
have been involved in filming these very expensive scenes, expensive
sound, expensive visual effects there, expensive production
assistant, expensive designer... cheap director. Well you can see
those expensive scenes fight now.
CAPTION: 'THE END'