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Monty Python Scripts

Conjuring Today

The cast:

Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Eric Idle

The sketch:


(Fade up on a conjurer with a fright wig and ping-pong eyes. He holds a bloodstained saw.)

Conjurer: Good evening, last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady into three bits and dispose of the body...

(Two policemen chase him off the set. They run past the man from the previous announcement who is on the phone. On his TV set we see the policemen pursuing the conjurer.)

Man: Look if you can put on rubbish like that, and 'Horse of the Year Show', you can afford us another minute, Mr. Cotion, please, I mean look at this load of old... (fades out)

(Fade up on the entrance to TV Centre. The man walks out.)

Voice Over: World Domination t-shirts are available from BBC, World Domination Department, Cardiff.

(A man hits him on the head with an absolutely enormous hammer. He falls, stunned Fade out.)

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