(Sketch continues from 'Mr. Neutron')
Commander: Mr. Neutron! Oh my God! OK - Surround the
entire city! Send in four waves of armed paratroopers with full
ground-to-air missile support! Alert all air bases! Destroy all
roads! We'll bomb the town fiat if we have to!
Carpenter: Sir! Sir! He's not in Washington, sir.
Commander: OK! Hold everything! Hold everything! Hold it!
Lay off! Lay off... Where is he?
Carpenter: We don't know, sir ... all we know is he
checked out of his hotel and took a bus to the airport.
Commander: All right! I want a full-scale Red Alert
throughout the world! Surround everyone with everything we've got!
Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon we can lay our hands
on! I want... I want three full-scale global nuclear alerts with
every army, navy and air force unit on eternal standby!
Carpenter: Right, sir!
Commander: And introduce conscription!
Carpenter: Yes, sir!
(He slams the intercom button down and sits there. Silence
again. His eyes look from side to side then slowly he goes back to
Voice Over: So the world was in the grip of FEAR! A huge
and terrifying crisis generated by one man! (zoom into Neutron in
his front garden, weeding; behind him the group of GPO people are
sitting opening another box fifty yards further down /?om the first
one; a line of she recently opened boxes stretches up the road)...
easily the most dangerous man the world has ever seen, honestly.
Though still biding his time, he could strike at any moment. Could
he be stopped in time?
(A lady stops and chats to him.)
Mrs. Smailes: You've got a bit of work to do there, then.
Mr. Neutron: Yes, it is a problem.
Mrs. Smailes: Mrs. Ottershaw never used to bother ... then
of course she was very old... she was 206! Well, must be going... if
you need any help I'll send Frank round. He could do with a bit of
exercise, ha! ha! ha! ha! ... Fat old bastard...
(She walks off. Neutron goes back to his weeding. Cut back to
the supreme commander's office. He is sniffing himself again., only
this time he has his whole shirt front pulled up and he is trying to
smell under his shirt. The intercom goes. He quickly tucks his shin
in and depresses the switch.)
Carpenter: Captain Carpenter here, sir. We've been on red
alert now for three days, sir, and still no sign of Mr. Neutron.
Commander: Have we bombed anywhere? Have we shown 'era we
Carpenter: Oh yes, sir. We've bombed a lot of
places fiat, sir.
Commander: Good. Good. We don't want anyone to think we're
Carpenter: Oh no! They don't think that, sir. Everyone's
really scared of us, sir.
Commander: Of us?
Carpenter: Yes, sir.
Commander: (pleased) Of our power?
Carpenter: Oh yes, sir! They're really scared when they
see those big planes come over.
Commander: Wow! I bet they are. I bet they are. I bet
they're really scared.
Carpenter: Oh they are, sir.
Commander: Do we have any figures on how scared they are?
Carpenter: No ... no figures, sir. But they sure were
Commander: Ah! But it's not working?
Carpenter: No, sir.
Commander: OK. We'll try another tactic. We'll try and
out-smart this Neutron guy. Yes, there's one man who could nail him.
Carpenter: One guy? That won't frighten anyone, sir.
Commander: Hc's the most brilliant man I ever met. We were
in the CIA together. He's retired now. He breeds rabbits up in the
Carpenter: What's his name, sir?
Commander: His name is Teddy Salad.
Carpenter: Salad as in... ?
Commander: Lettuces, cucumber, radishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carpenter: Where do I find him, sir?
Commander: The Yukon. Oh, and Carpenter ...
Carpenter: Yes, sir?
Commander: Make sure you get a decent disguise.
(Cut to the Yukon. Carpenter is trekking along. He is in
ballet tights and heavy make-up with a big knapsack with 'Nothing to
do with FEEBLE' on the back. He comes across a log cabin in the
middle of nowhere. He presses the doorbell. A rather twee little
chime. The door is opened by a huge lumberjack.)
Carpenter: Oh, hello. My name's Carpenter. I'm from the US
Lumberjack: Are you from the army?
Carpenter: Er... no... I'm... er... I'm:.. I'm from the
ballet. The US Government Ballet.
(The lumberjack's eyes light up.)
Lumberjack: The ballet! The ballet's coming here?
Carpenter: Well maybe...
Lumberjack: Oh, that's Feat! We love the ballet. Last year
some of us from Yellow River got a party to go see the ballet in
Montreal. Dimly we can see behind the lumberjack a bevy of beautiful
boys of all nations.
Carpenter: Look, I was wondering...
Lumberjack: Oh, we had a marvellous time. It was Margot
Fonteyn dancing 'Les Sylphides'... oh, it was so beautiful...
Carpenter: Do you know...
Lumberjack: Do you know how old she is?
Lumberjack: Margot Fonteyn.
Lumberjack: She's 206!
Carpenter: Look, I hear there's a US ballet organizer
round these parts by the name of Teddy Salad.
Lumberjack: You mean the special agent?
Lumberjack: He's an ex-CIA man. He's not a ballet dancer.
(Laughter from the boys in the hut.)
Carpenter: Well, I just want to see him on some ballet
Lumberjack: Well, you could try the store...
Carpenter: Oh, thank you. (he turns to go)
Lumberjack: Hey! Can you get us Lionel Blair's autograph?
(Carpenter walks away.)
Voice Over: While precious time was being lost in Canada,
the seconds were ticking away for the free world...
(Jarring chord Cut to Neutron's house. He is hanging flowery
print wallpaper in his sitting room. Helping him is the quite
enormously vast Frank Smailes who stands rather helplessly looking
up at Neutron who is on a plank between two ladders.)
Voice Over: Already Neutron - who, you will remember, is
infinitely the most dangerous man in the world, he really is - was
gathering allies together.
Mr. Neutron: Try having an omelet for your evening meal...
perhaps with yoghurt and grapefruit.
Mr. Smailes: Oh, I've tried that ... I once got down to
fifty-six stone. But I couldn't 'stay like that. I used to take
potatoes wherever I went. I used to go to the cinema with three
hundredweight of King Edwards, I'd eat 'em all before I got out of
the toilet. I had to go on to bread.
Mr. Neutron: What about salad?
Mr. Smailes: Teddy Salad?
Mr. Neutron: No, no, no - salad - as in lettuces,