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Monty Python Scripts

Teddy Salad (CIA Agent)

The cast:

Eric Idle
Michael Palin
Graham Chapman
Terry Jones
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Sketch continues from 'Mr. Neutron is missing'.  Cut to Carpenter in a log cabin trading post with trestle tables. Six Eskimos are sitting in a group at one end of the other tables. An Italian chef in a long white apron and greasy shirt, is standing over Carpenter.

Carpenter sits at one table with a huge fresh salad in front of him.)

Italian: You don't like it?

Carpenter: No, I didn't want to eat a salad. I wanted to find out about a man called Salad.

Italian: You're the first person to order a salad for two years. All the Eskimos eat here is fish, fish ...

First Eskimo: (very British accent) We're not Eskimos.

Second Eskimo: Where's our fish. We've finished our fish.

Italian: What fish you want today, uh?

First Eskimo: Bream please.

Italian: Bream! Where do I get a bream this time of year? You bloody choosy Eskimo pests.

First Eskimo: We are not Eskimos!

Italian: Why don't you like a nice plate of cannelloni?

Eskimos: Eurrrrghhh!

First Eskimo: That's not fish.

Italian: (as he turns to go in kitchen) I've had my lot of the Arctic Circle. I wish I was back in Oldham ...

(Carpenter crosses to the Eskimos.)

Carpenter: (speaking slowly, and clearly as for foreigners) Do any of you Eskimos ... speak ... English?

First Eskimo: We're not Eskimos!

Third Eskimo: I am.

Others: Sh!

Italian: (off) Haddock!

Eskimos: Where?

Carpenter: (still speaking as if to foreigners) Do any of... you ... know... a man ... caned ... Salad?

First Eskimo: What, Salad as in...

Carpenter: Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes ... yes.

First Eskimo: Like you have on your plate?

Carpenter: Yes. That's right.

First Eskimo: No, I'm afraid not.

Second Eskimo: Where's our fish?

First Eskimo: What does this Teddy Salad do?

Carpenter: He's a... er... hen-teaser.

(Quick cut to the chairman of Fiat in his office.)

Chairman: Che cosa è la stucciacatori di polli?


(Cut back to the cabin.)

First Eskimo: No, the only Teddy Salad we know is a CIA man.

Carpenter: Oh, he might know.

Eskimos: (chanting) Gunga gunga, where's our fish?

Carpenter: Where will I find him?

Second Eskimo: Oh, he lives up at Kipper Sound.

Carpenter: Thanks a lot.

Eskimos: Fishy fishy iyoooiyooo.

First Eskimo: Are you in international spying, too?

Carpenter: No... no... I'm with the... US Ballet... force... who are you with?

First Eskimo: (leans forward confidentially) MI6. But not a word to the Eskimos.

Eskimos: Fishy fishy igooo.

(The Italian chef appears.)

Italian: Here's your bloody fish.

First Eskimo: Thank you, Anouk.

Italian: I'm not an Eskimo!

(Cut to Arctic wastes - ice and snow and bitter blasting winds. Carpenter - his little tadger tiny as a tapir's tits - struggles on. He stops and peers ahead He sees a trapper figure with a sledge pulled by four huskies. Carpenter hurries on and catches him up.)

Carpenter: Hey! Hey!

(The man stops. On his sledge are supplies including two ladies in bikinis, deep-frozen and wrapped in cellophane bags.)

Carpenter: Hi! I'm Carpenter of the US Ballet.

Trapper: Hey, great to have you around. The last decent ballet we got around here was Ballet Ramben. On Thursday they did 'Petrouchka', then on Saturday they did 'Fille Mal Gardée'. I thought it was a bit slow...

Carpenter: (stopping him short) It sure is nice to see you, Mr. Salad.

Trapper: I ain't Salad.

Carpenter: What?

Trapper: You want Teddy Salad?

Carpenter: Yeah ... (the man looks around rather furtively, to see if anyone is watching, then takes Carpenter's arm and indicates the dog team) I don't see anyone.

Trapper: The one on the end, on the right. That's Salad.

Carpenter: That's a dog!

Trapper: (confidentially) No only bits of it.

Carpenter: What do you mean?

Trapper: Listen, Teddy Salad is the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had, right?

Carpenter: Right.

Trapper: That's how he made his name (indicates the dog) - disguise!

(They look at the dog in silence for a moment.)

Carpenter: That's incredible!

Trapper: He had to slim down to one and a half pounds to get into that costume. He cut eighteen inches off each arm and over three feet off each leg. The most brilliant surgeon in Europe stuck that tail on.

Carpenter: What about the head?

Trapper: All of the head was removed apart from the eyes and the brain in order to fit into the costume.

Carpenter: That's incredible!

Trapper: D'you want to talk to him?

Carpenter: Yeah, sure.

Trapper: (looking around him again) OK, let's move over to those trees over there... anyone might be watching.

(They pull over to a lone deciduous tree in the middle of the empty tundra wastes. They pull in. The man goes round to the dog and kneels down beside it.)

Trapper: (softly) Mr. Salad? ... There's Mr. Carpenter to see you.

Carpenter: What does he say?

Trapper: (to Carpenter) Do you have a bone? (Carpenter feels rather helplessly in his pockets) It's all part of the disguise (he produces a bone, which he gives to the dog) OK, Teddy... here's the bone. (the dog tucks into the bone) All right, you've got his trust, now, you can talk to him.

Carpenter: (kneeling rather awkwardly down beside the dog, and speaking confidentially) Sir ... sir ... Mr. Salad ... sir, I've come direct from the Commander of Land, Sea and Air Forces ... There's a pretty dangerous situation, sir. Mr. Neutron... is missing. (he looks significantly at the dog, but the dog doesn't react) The General says you're the only one who'll know where to find him ... What's he say?

Trapper: He wants to go walkies.

Carpenter: Walkies?

Trapper: Yeah, he's right into it today - d'you mind taking him for walkies?

(He gives the dog to Carpenter on a lead. Carpenter hesitates and then walks off with the dog, bending down occasionally and explaining the situation.)

Voice Over: While Carpenter took the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had for walkies, events in the world's capitals were moving fast!


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