(A train stops at the station. The train doors open and out
steps Mr. Neutron. He looks like an American footballer, with
enormous shoulders, tapering to a thin waist. He has very regular
features and piercing eyes and is most impressive. He stands at the
door of the train for a moment. The words Mr. Neutron are written in
bold diagonally across his chest. He carries a Sainsbury shopping
Voice Over: Mr. Neutron! The most dangerous and terrifying
man in the world! The man with the strength of an army! The wisdom
of all the scholars in history! The man who had the power to destroy
the world. (animation of planets in space) Mr. Neutron. No
one knows what strange and distant planet he came from, or where he
was going to!... Wherever he went, terror and destruction were sure
(Cut to Neutron's garden. He has three little picnic chairs
out and is having tea with Mr. and Mrs. Entrail, a middle-aged
couple. The lady, a little overdressed dominates. Mr. Entrail sits
there rather sourly.)
Voice Over: Mr. Neutron! The man whose incredible power
has made him the most feared man of all time... waits for his moment
to destroy this little world utterly!
Mrs. Entrail: Then there's Stanley ... he's our eldest ...
he's a biochemist in Sutton. He's married to Shirley...
Mr. Neutron: (in a strange disembodied voice,
grammatically correct but poor in intonation) Shirley who used
to be the hairdresser?
Mrs. Entrail: Yes, that's right, I think she's a lovely
person. (indicates her husband) My husband doesn't ... he
thinks she's a bit flash.
Mr. Entrail: I hate 'er! I hate 'er guts.
Mrs. Entrail: And they, of course, they come down most
weekends, so you'll be able to meet them then.
Mr. Neutron: I'd ... love .. · to. Hairdressing is very
Mrs. Entrail: And very important, too. If you don't care
for your scalp, you get rabies. Then there's Kenneth, he's our
youngest. Mind you, he's a bit of a problem... at least my husband
thinks he is, anyway.
Mr. Entrail: Nasty little piece of work, he is, I hate
Mrs. Entrail: Mind you, the one we hear so much about
nowadays is Karen. She married a Canadian - he's a dentist - they
live in Alberta - two lovely children, Gary who's three, Leslie
who's six. They look like the spitting image of Karen. D'you want to
see a photo ... ?
Mr. Neutron: Oh, yes please.
Mrs. Entrail: All right.
(She goes to get a photograph.)
Mr. Entrail: They're a couple of little bastards. I hate
'em. They've got eyes like little pigs, just like their mother.
She's a disaster ... a really horrible-looking person, she is. I
thought that one would stay on the shelf, but along comes this
stupid dentist git. He's a real creepy little bastard, he is. I hate
Mr. Neutron: This is a nice area.
Mr. Entrail: It's like a bloody graveyard. I hate it.
Mr. Neutron: It's handy for the shops and convenient for
the West End.
Mr. Entrail: If you like going to the West End. I think
it's a stinking dump.
(Cut to a well-guarded American government building, with the
letters 'FEAR' on a board outside.)
Voice Over: Meanwhile in Washington, at the headquarters
of 'FEAR' - the Federal Egg Answering Room - in reality a front name
for 'FEEBLE' - the Free World Extra-Earthly Bodies Location and
Extermination Centre... all was not well.
(A high-security operations room - maps, charts. monitor
screens. A message comes chattering over the teleprinter. A
teleprinter operator rips it out and takes it over to Captain
Carpenter who sits at a control desk.)
Carpenter: Good God! (he grabs a red flashing phone)
Get me the Supreme Commander Land, Sea and Air Forces, immediately!
(Cut to a large room, empty apart from a very large desk with
a large American eagle emblem above it. We hear American military
music. There is nothing on the desk, except for a very futuristic,
dynamic-looking intercom. Behind the desk the supreme commander
sits. After a moment, slowly and rather surreptitiously, he sniffs
his left armpit inside his jacket. Then, with a quick look around to
see that no one is watching, he smells the other armpit. He sits up
again, then cups his hand in front of his face to smell his breath.
He looks worried still. He reaches down slowly and takes his shoe
off. He has just brought it up to his nose when the intercom buzzes
loudly and a light flashes. The music stops. He jumps, and quickly
takes his shoe off the desk. He presses a switch on the intercom.)
Voice: This is Captain Carpenter sir, from FEAR.
Commander: You mean FEEBLE?
Voice: Yes, sir ...
Commander: What is it?
Voice: Mr. Neutron is missing, sir!