A view of the starting stalls, shot so we cannot see inside.
CAPTION: 3.15 Queen Victoria Handicap
Voice Over: Well they're under starter's orders for this very valuable
Queen Victoria Handicap. And they're off, (the starting stall
doors fly open; out come eight identically dressed Queen Victorias
who go bustling off up the field) and Queen Victoria got a
clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and
Queen Victoria. It's Queen Victoria from Queen Victoria and Queen
Victoria. It's Queen Victoria making the early running on the
inside. And at the back Queen Victoria already a couple of lengths
behind the leaders. Queen Victoria has now moved up to challenge
Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria losing ground. Queen Victoria
tucked in neatly on the stand side with a clear view. Queen
Victoria still the back marker as they approach the halfway mark,
but making ground now, suddenly past Queen Victoria with Queen
Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria still well placed as
they approach the first fence. (a low angle shot as the Queen
Victorias appear over the fence and thunder towards the camera)
And at the first fence it's Queen Victoria just ahead of Queen
Victoria and Queen Victoria falling away in third place. And Queen
Victoria in the lead as they ...
Cut back to the presenter in the studio; he is completely
dressed as Queen Victoria, apart from his face.
Presenter: Well a very exciting race there at Epsom. And now over to the
European Cup at Barcelona where the latest news is that Miguel
Otana, the burly Real Madrid striker, was sent off for breaking
wind in the forty-third minute. He'd already been cautioned for
pursing his lips earlier on in the game and now he's off! So let's
see a playback of that ... Brian.
Cut to Brian, dressed the same way.
Brian: Yes ... er ... well as you can see ... there's Otana now
(brief stock shot of football match) ... he gets the ... er
... through ball from Gomez (cut back to Brian) and er ...
he makes no attempt to play the ball. He quite deliberately lets
off! And to my mind he was within the box and the referee had no
option whatsoever but to send him off.
Cut to the presenter.
We cut to the real Jimmy Hill dressed as Queen Victoria, veil,
crown and all.
Jimmy Hill: Good evening.
Presenter: What do you make of that?
Jimmy Hill: Well the referees really are clamping down these days. Only
last week the Belgian captain was sent off for having a Sony radio
cassette player. And Gonerelli, the huge Italian defender, was
sent off in Turin for having his sitting and dining room knocked
through to form an open living area.
Cut to the presenter.
Cut to Hamlet.
Hamlet: Good evening.
Cut quickly back to the presenter.
Presenter: Well you've got the girl on the bed and her legs up on the
The nurse enters.
Nurse: Out, out, come on, come on, out ... (she hustles the
presenter out of studio)
CAPTION: Act Five - A Ham In The Castle
Mix to the theatre set we saw before. All the cast are dressed
as Queen Victorias, except for Hamlet and Ophelia.
First Queen Victoria: Let four captains bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage. For
he was likely had he been put on to have proved most royally ...
CAPTION: The End
They come on and take bows. Superimposed Python credits in
Shakespearean style and graphics.
by William Shakespeare
Hamlet - Terry Jones
A bachelor friend of Hamlet's
Quite a butch friend of Hamlet's but still a bachelor
A friend of Hamlet's who, though married, still sees Hamlet
A very close bachelor friend of Hamlet's who, though above
suspicion, does wear rather loud shirts
Another part of the dramatis personae:
A friend of Hamlet's who loves bachelors - Carol Cleveland
A Jimmy Hill near London - Jimmy Hill
A bachelor gentleman - Bob E. Raymond
An Ophelia - Constance Booth
A loony, but not a bachelor - Sir K. Joseph
Additional blank verse: J. Cleese (no relation) (of Hamlet's, that
Personae non dramatis but technicalis
(Some bachelors, some not)
A costume designer and bachelor
A cameraman of London
A sound recordist of ill repute
An editor of film who is partly bachelor and partly vegetable with
A studio sound man
A lighting Scotsman
A visual effector keen on bachelors
An assistant producer friend of Hamlet's
A designed who prefers married men but knows quite a few bachelors
A professional producer and amateur bachelor
A Bachelor Broadcasting Corporation
Fade out. Fade up on a moor. An explosion has just take place.
Out of the smoke a ragged man walks towards the camera.
Man: And then...