(Sketch is a continuation of 'Louis XIV' Sketch. Cut to a
throne room. George III is being read to by an adviser.)
CAPTION: 'THE COURT OF GEORGE III, 1781'
Reader: ... Titty was very worried. Where could Mary be?
He looked everywhere. Under the stones and behind the bushes... and
Mr. Squirrel helped him by looking up in the trees, and Mr. Badger
helped him by looking under the ground...
(There is a knock on the door. George III looks up quickly.
The reader, with obviously well practiced skill, shuts the book,
slips it beneath another book which he opens and carries on
Reader: ... and so, Your Majesty, we the Commons do herein
crave and beseech that...
George III: Enter!
(Lord North enters and bows briefly.)
Lord North: Your Majesty... Louis XVIII is here!
George III: Who is Louis XVIII?
Lord North: The King of France, Your Majesty! This is a
great moment to have, sir.
George III: There is no Louis XVIII.
(We hear a Scottish voice outside the door. Lord North ducks
his head out for a moment, then reappears.)
Lord North: He craves Your Majesty's pardon. He has had a
long journey here and miscounted... He is Louis XVII.
George III: Louis XVI is dead already?
(A trace of worry crosses North's face. He goes outside the
door again for a moment. Sounds of a slight argument between himself
and the Glaswegians. Suddenly there is a yell of pain and Lord North
reels in holding the bridge of his nose.)
Lord North: Aaaaaaaaaaaaghh! Oh my God! Oh... ah... oh
(Louis strides in with the two dukes. They all wear tam
Louis: (to the reader) Your Majesty, I am Louis
XVI... Oh Christ... (to George III) Your Majesty... I am
Louis XVI as you so rightly say, and I don't want to muck about. I
have a wee proposition which could make the name of George IV the
most respected in Europe...
George III: George III
Louis: George III Sorry. Where can we talk?
Lord North: OH God! ... did you see that?... Oh!...
aaaargh! Oh dear! (he is in great pain still and clutching his
George III: We shall have a state banquet at St James'
Louis: No look, I can't hang about. It's take it or
leave... we got to get back to... er...
First Duke: Paris.
Louis: Paris, by tonight...
George III: Must you leave us, Louis?
Louis: I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, Georgie
George III: All right... we will buy the plans... if you
will undertake to disengage your troops in America.
Louis: Do what?
George III: And, I shall give you £10,000 for the plans...
Louis: Ten thousand pounds! Right, well, we'll disengage
the, urn, you know... like you said - we'll disengage 'em... tell
you what, hen, I'll put a duke on to it... OK? Right!
Lord North: (still clutching his nose) That's the
worst thing you can do to anybody.
Louis: You asked for it, sonny.
Lord North: You could have broken my bloody nose!
George III: North! Please!
Lord North: You saw it! It was right on the bone.
George III: North! Will you send for the Duke of Portland
... we have a financial matter to discuss.
Lord North: Well, it really hurt.
Louis: No, look, I think it's better if you give the money
to us. We're going back. We've got a bag.
George III: No, no... don't worry, Louis. We shall talk to
your Monsieur Necker.
Louis: Ah! Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't... we've
been having a wee bit of trouble with him... you know what I mean?
George III: Monsieur Necker? The man who introduced so
many valuable reforms and who proved so popular despite his
opposition to Mirabeau's policy of issuing 'assignats'?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THIS SPEECH HAS BEEN VERIFIED BY
Louis: Er... aye, yeah... the trouble is he's been
drinking a bit recently ... you' know, fourteen lagers with his
breakfast... that sort of thing.
George III: Well... very well, Louis...
(The door flies open and there is Joseph Montgolfier, still
clad only in towel and silly bath hat.)
Joseph: Just a moment!
Louis: Oh, Christ!
George III: What are you doing?
Joseph: I am Joseph Montgolfier, the inventor of the fire
balloon. The man before you is an impostor!
George III: Ooh! I am not ... honestly!
Joseph: No, not you, Your Majesty (he points at Louis)
This man -- this Louis, the so-called King of France man. Which
number did you give this time - Louis the 23rd?
Louis: I got it right!
Joseph: I bet you took a few guesses.
Louis: Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock..
Dr Hamer: (not a doctor but a period butler) Your
Majesty! The Ronettes are here.
Bartlett: And Mr. Bartlett.
(Three black ladies wearing modern showbiz costumes come in
and sing 'George III' song. Two men come in and set up a screen as
The Ronettes: (singing) George III ... etc .... etc
George III: Oh dear, I'm not supposed to go mad till 1800!
(Louis, arguing violently with the butler, butts him. Music
comes up and the sound fades on this strange scene. George IlI falls
to the floor and waggles his legs around in the air. Zoom in as the
men in black take cover off the caption.)
CAPTION: 'MEANWHILE, IN FRANCE...'
(Cut to drawing more in the Montgolfiers' house. Jacques is at
a table working on some drawings. Behind him Antoinette paces the
room nervously. She is still wearing her harness, but it is no
longer attached to the gas balloon. In a corner of the room a
plumber is still mending the elaborate plumbing.)
Antoinette: Joseph has been gone for six months now ... we
have heard nothing!
Jacques: He can look after himself.
Antoinette: But he had only on a towel, you know.
(Jacques takes off his false ears and walks over to
Jacques: Antoinette... from now on there is only one
Antoinette: But Louis XIV has the plans... you must wait
until Joseph returns.
Jacques: (casually loosening her harness) The plans
are here, cherie. (he indicates the desk where he has been
working) Let me put my tongue in your mouth.
Antoinette: What do you mean?
Jacques: We're supposed to be French, aren't we?
Antoinette: No, I mean what are the plans which Joseph
after is chasing?
Jacques: Please, let me put it in a little way.
Antoinette: Oh, Jacques, ze plans!
Jacques: I take it out if you don't like it.
(He chases her a bit with his tongue out. Antoinette is about
to react rather violently one way or the other, when her dramatic
moment is cut short by the entrance of O'Toole the butler.)
Butler: Are you sure the claret was on the left of the
Jacques: Yes, O'Toole, it's always been there.
Butler: Well I'll look for one more month, sir. (he
turns and goes out; Jacques eyes Antoinette lasciviously and is
about to try and make contact in the French way when the butler
returns) By the way sir, Mr. Bartlett has gone, sir. He said he
couldn't wait any longer.
Jacques: Thank you, O'Toole...
Butler: Not at all, sir... I've enjoyed being in it...
Jacques: (impatiently) Right!
Butler: Thank you, sir... mam'selle.
(He exits. Tremendous applause. He reappears, takes a bow and
leaves again. Jacques and Antoinette look nonplussed. He reappears.
Terrific applause. He gestures for them to quieten down. Eventually
them is silence.)
Butler: By the way, sir, Mr. Bartlett has gone, sir.
(tremendous applause) He said he couldn't wait any longer, sir.
(Incredible volume of laughter here brings the house down. The
rest of the scene is pandemonium with laughter developing into
Jacques: Thank you, O'Toole.
Butler: Not at all, sir ... I've enjoyed being in it.
Butler: Thank you, sir ... mam'selle.
Audience: More! More! More! etc .... etc .... etc ....
(Crescendo of applause. Over shouts of more! More!
Superimposed Python credits. The butler is showered with flowers.
Fans come on and congratulate him. A BBC security man restrains
them. Other members of the cast appear and shake hands, and stand in
a row behind, applauding. A dear old middle-aged lady comes in and
stands beside him, weeping proudly.)
1st Voice Over: George III was arranged and composed by
Nell Innes. He is available from the BBC price £4 or eight months'
(The credits end. Cut to BBC world symbol.)
2nd Voice Over: That was episode three of 'The Golden Age
of Ballooning'. May I remind you that there's stir time to get your
'Golden Age of Ballooning' suppositories direct from the BBC, price
£4.50, or £19 for a set of six. Well, in a moment the BBC will be
closing down for the night, but first, here is a Party Political
Broadcast on behalf of the Norwegian Party.