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Monty Python ScriptsFather-in-lawThe cast:
The sketch:To lyrical music the camera pans across the road, and comes across a couple making love on the pavement. Pedestrians step over them. Carol: Oh Robert, tell me I'm beautiful. Robert: Oh you are, you are! Carol: Oh Robert, do you mean that? Robert: Of course I do. Carol: You're not just saying that because I asked you? Robert: Of course not. Carol: Oh Robert ... Robert, are you sure it doesn't put you off? Robert: What? Carol: My father wanting to come and live with us. Robert: No, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us. Carol: He wouldn't just be living with us. Robert: What do you mean? Carol: Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us. Robert: He wants to put his bed in our room? Carol: No, no, of course not. Robert: Oh good ... Carol: Our bed is plenty big enough for three ... Robert: What? Carol: He'd just get into bed and go to sleep. Robert: No. I'm not having that. Carol: Oh Robert, I thought you loved me? Robert: Well I do, but ... Carol: Well, he wouldn't look. Robert: He's bound to peek. Carol: No, no, he wouldn't honestly. Robert: No! No! No!! Cut to the three of them in bed. Robert is in the middle. Father wears striped pajamas, the others are nude. There is an uncomfortable silence. Father: You young couple just carry on. Take no notice of me ... (silence; they smile half-heartedly) I don't want to feel as though I'm getting in the way. Carol: Oh no dad, you're not. Robert: No, no. Father: Good. Silence again. Carol: Well, I think I'll get to sleep. Father: Are you sure? Carol: Oh yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding. Father: Bob, what about you? Robert: Oh yes, all right, yes. Father: Oh well, I seem to be O/C lights. Carol: (to Robert) Good night, darling. Robert: Good night. Father: Good night! He switches the light off. It is pitch dark. There is a long pause, then a strange scraping noise like a pencil being sharpened. The scraping is followed by sawing and is eventually replaced by short sharp knocking sounds. This goes on for some time. Carol: Father. Father, what are you doing? Father: I'm making a boat. Carol: What? Father: It's the Cutty Sark. It's a model I've been making in the dark for some years now. Carol: Well, wouldn't it be better with the light on? Father: No, no, I'm making it in the dark, that's the point. There is a click. The light goes on. He looks disappointed. In his hands is a completely shapeless mass of wood and nails. Father: Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought. Robert: It's not the Cutty Sark! Father: Well it hasn't got its sails yet. Oh well I'll ... I'll have a look at it in the dark room in the morning. Good night. (grunts from the others who are already snuggling down; lights go off; silence)
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Monty
Python Scripts
