Monty Python Scripts

Father-in-law

The cast:

CAROL

Carol Cleveland

ROBERT

Terry Jones

FATHER

Graham Chapman

The sketch:

To lyrical music the camera pans across the road, and comes across a couple making love on the pavement. Pedestrians step over them.

Carol: Oh Robert, tell me I'm beautiful.

Robert: Oh you are, you are!

Carol: Oh Robert, do you mean that?

Robert: Of course I do.

Carol: You're not just saying that because I asked you?

Robert: Of course not.

Carol: Oh Robert ... Robert, are you sure it doesn't put you off?

Robert: What?

Carol: My father wanting to come and live with us.

Robert: No, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us.

Carol: He wouldn't just be living with us.

Robert: What do you mean?

Carol: Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us.

Robert: He wants to put his bed in our room?

Carol: No, no, of course not.

Robert: Oh good ...

Carol: Our bed is plenty big enough for three ...

Robert: What?

Carol: He'd just get into bed and go to sleep.

Robert: No. I'm not having that.

Carol: Oh Robert, I thought you loved me?

Robert: Well I do, but ...

Carol: Well, he wouldn't look.

Robert: He's bound to peek.

Carol: No, no, he wouldn't honestly.

Robert: No! No! No!!

Cut to the three of them in bed. Robert is in the middle. Father wears striped pajamas, the others are nude. There is an uncomfortable silence.

Father: You young couple just carry on. Take no notice of me ... (silence; they smile half-heartedly) I don't want to feel as though I'm getting in the way.

Carol: Oh no dad, you're not.

Robert: No, no.

Father: Good.

Silence again.

Carol: Well, I think I'll get to sleep.

Father: Are you sure?

Carol: Oh yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding.

Father: Bob, what about you?

Robert: Oh yes, all right, yes.

Father: Oh well, I seem to be O/C lights.

Carol: (to Robert) Good night, darling.

Robert: Good night.

Father: Good night!

He switches the light off. It is pitch dark. There is a long pause, then a strange scraping noise like a pencil being sharpened. The scraping is followed by sawing and is eventually replaced by short sharp knocking sounds. This goes on for some time.

Carol: Father. Father, what are you doing?

Father: I'm making a boat.

Carol: What?

Father: It's the Cutty Sark. It's a model I've been making in the dark for some years now.

Carol: Well, wouldn't it be better with the light on?

Father: No, no, I'm making it in the dark, that's the point.

There is a click. The light goes on. He looks disappointed. In his hands is a completely shapeless mass of wood and nails.

Father: Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought.

Robert: It's not the Cutty Sark!

Father: Well it hasn't got its sails yet. Oh well I'll ... I'll have a look at it in the dark room in the morning. Good night. (grunts from the others who are already snuggling down; lights go off; silence)

Monty Python Scripts

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