Tragic music in background.
CAPTION: By William Shakespeare
CAPTION: Act One
Quick cut to a close shot of a big American car skidding round
a corner. Music. Montage of close ups of tires, foot on accelerator
shots, etc. with a deafening sound track. The car skids to a halt at
the side of the curb. Pull out to reveal it is in a smart Harley
Street type location. The door opens and out gets a man in black
leotard, with make-up and a small crown -- Hamlet, in fact. He goes
into a doorway, presses the doorbell and waits. Cut to modern
psychiatrist's office. Hamlet is lying on the couch.
Hamlet: It's just that everywhere I go it's the same old
thing. All anyone wants me to say is `To be or not to be ...'
Psychiatrist: `... that is the question. Whether 'tis
nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
Hamlet: (quickly) Yes, it's either that, or `Oh
that this too solid flesh would melt ...'
Psychiatrist: (taking over) `... would melt, thaw
and resolve itself into a dew. Or that the everlasting had not fixed
his canon 'gainst self slaughter ...'
Hamlet: Yes. All that sort of thing. And I'm just getting
really fed up.
Psychiatrist: (picking up a skull) Now do the bit
about `Alas poor Yorick ...'
Hamlet: No. I'm sick of it! I want to do something else. I
want to make something of my life.
Psychiatrist: No. I don't know that bit.
Hamlet: I want to get away from all that. Be different.
Psychiatrist: Well um ... what do you want to be?
Hamlet: A private dick!
Psychiatrist: Why do you want to be a private dick?
Hamlet: Ooh ... why does anyone want to be a private dick?
Fame, money, glamour, excitement, sex!
Psychiatrist: Ah! It's the sex, is it?
Hamlet: Well, that's one of the things, yes.
Psychiatrist: Yes, what's the sex problem?
Hamlet: Well, there's no problem.
Psychiatrist: Now, come on, come on. You've got the girl
on the bed and she's all ready for it.
Hamlet: No, no, it's nothing to do with that.
Psychiatrist: (getting excited) Now come on, come
on, there she is, she's all ready for it. She's a real stunner,
she's got great big tits, she's really well stacked and you've got
her legs up against the mantelpiece.
Dr Natal: All right, Mr. Butler, I'll take over. (a
distinguished-looking man in a suit enters; the psychiatrist leaves)
Morning, Mr. Hamlet. My name's Natal. Sorry to keep you waiting. Now
what seems to be the problem.
Hamlet: Well, I was telling the other psychiatrist ...
Dr Natal: He's ... he's not a psychiatrist.
Hamlet: Oh. He said he was a psychiatrist.
Dr Natal: Well ... yes ... um, he's a kind of psychiatrist
he's ... he's not a proper psychiatrist. He's not er ... fully
qualified ... in, um, quite the sort of way we should want. Anyway
the problem I believe is basically sexual is it?
The psychiatrist puts his head round door.
Psychiatrist: I asked him that!
Dr Natal: Get out! (the psychiatrist goes; to Hamlet)
Now then, you've got the girl on the bed. You've been having a bit
of a feel up during the evening. You've got your tongue down her
throat. She's got both her legs up on the mantelpiece ...
Enter a distinguished-looking psychiatrist in a white coat.
Third Psychiatrist: (quietly and authoritatively,
indicating the door) Dr Natal ... out please!
Dr Natal: I'm talking to a patient! Oh ... (he goes)
Third Psychiatrist: Out please! I'm terribly sorry, sir.
We have a lot of problems here with bogus psychiatrists. One of the
risks in psychiatry I'm afraid. Unfortunately they do tend to
frighten the patient and they can cause real and permanent damage to
the treatment. But I assure you that I am a completely bona fide
psychiatrist. Here's my diploma in psychiatry from the University of
Oxford. This here shows that I'm a member of the British Psychiatric
Association, a very important body indeed. Here's a letter from
another psychiatrist in which he mentions that I'm a psychiatrist.
This is my Psychiatric Club tie, and as you can see the cufflinks
match. I've got a copy of `Psychiatry Today' in my bag, which I
think is pretty convincing. And a letter here from my mother in
which she asks how the psychiatry is going, and I think you'll
realize that the one person you can't fool is your mother. So if
you'd like to ask me any questions abut psychiatry, I bet I can
Hamlet: No, no, it's all right, really.
Third Psychiatrist: OK, you've got this girl on your bed,
you've had a few drinks, you've got her stretched out and her feet
on the mantelpiece ... (the intercom buzzes) yes, what is it?
Intercom Voice: There's a proper psychiatrist to see you,
Dr Rufus Berg.
Third Psychiatrist: Oh, oh my God! Ok, thank you. (he
hurriedly changes into a police constable's uniform) Right,
thank you very much for answering the questions, sir. We'll try not
to trouble you again, sir. (exits hurriedly)
A fourth psychiatrist rushes in.
Fourth Psychiatrist: Right you've got the girl down on the
bed, you've got her legs up on the mantelpiece.
Two men in white coats bundle him out. Dr Natal Enters.
Dr Natal: Well, well done, Mr. Hamlet. You've done
extremely well in out disorientation tests.
Hamlet: Oh? Oh!
Dr Natal: You see, I'm sorry it might have confused you a
little, but we do this to try to establish a very good
doctor/patient relationship, you see ... we do it to sort of, as it
were, to break down the barriers. All right?
Hamlet: yes fine.
Dr Natal: Good! Well, you've got her legs up on the
The two men come in and chase him out. Cut to a man at a
consultant's desk in a smart West End surgery.
CAPTION: Dr Bruce Genuine, Chairman of the Psychiatric
Dr Bruce: On behalf of the Psychiatric Association, I
should like to say that we are taking firm action to clamp down on
the activities of bogus psychiatrists. In fact in many areas of
modern psychiatry computers are now being increasingly used for the
first basic diagnosis and this has gone a long way in eliminating
the danger of unqualified impostors.
Cut to Hamlet in an office. A big, impressive-looking computer
Computer: (in tinny computer voice) You've had your
tongue down her throat and she's got her legs on the mantelpiece.
The door opens and a nurse appears.
The computer scuttles for the door, revealing that underneath
it are six pairs of legs, in pin-striped trousers and expensive
shoes. Cut to the same computer in a field. The nurse picks up a
bazooka. The computer rises into the air, the nurse fires at it and