Monty Python Scripts

Different Endings

The cast:

ASSISTANT

Terry Jones

CHRIS QUINN

Eric Idle

GIRL

Carol Cleveland

MALCOLM ALLISON

Michael Palin

BRIAN CLOUGH

Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Cut to a polite, well dressed assistant at a counter with a big sign saying 'End of Show Department' behind him.)

Assistant: Well it is one of our cheapest, sir.

Chris: What else have you got?

Assistant: Well, there's the long slow pull-out, sir, you know, the camera tracks back and back and mixes...

(As he speaks we pull out and mix through to the exterior of the store. Mix through to even wider zoom ending up in aerial view of London. It stops abruptly and we cut back to Chris.)

Chris: No, have you got anything more exciting?

Assistant: How about a chase?

(The manager and the toupee assistants suddenly, appear at a door.)

Manager: There he is!

(Exciting chase music. They pursue Chris out of the hall and into another part of the store. Then cut back to Chris at counter.)

Chris: Oh, no, no, no.

Assistant: Walking into the sunset?

Chris: What's that one?

(Dramatic sunset shot on a beach. We can just see the back of Chris and the assistant as they walk together towards the setting sun. The assistant is gesturing and describing it.)

Assistant: You know ... two lone figures silhouetted against the dying rays of the setting sun. The music swells, you've got a lump in your throat and a tear in your eye...

(Cut back to the store.)

Chris: Oh no.

Assistant: Oh, pity, I rather like that one...

Chris: They're all a bit off the point, you see.

Assistant: Well there is one that ties up the whole Michael Ellis thing, but....

Chris: But what... ?

Assistant: Oh, no, nothing, nothing...

Chris: Look, who is this Michael Ellis?

Assistant: How about a happy ending, sir?

(A girl rushes up to Chris and flings her arms around him.)

Girl: Oh Chris! Thank God you're safe.

Assistant: No, you wouldn't want that, would you.

(This time we see the girl has disappeared.)

Chris: Why wouldn't I want that?

Assistant: What about summing up from the panel? That's cheap. You know - the big match experts.

(Panel in typical football panel set. Malcolm Allison, Brian Clough, and huge still of Jimmy Hill on set behind.)

Malcolm Allison: Yes. It was quite a good show. I think that the Michael Ellis character was a little overdone.

Brian Clough: Well, I don't agree with that, Malcolm, quite frankly the only bit I liked was this bit with me in it now.

(Cut back to the store.)

Assistant: No? Slow fade?

(The picture begins to fade.)

Chris: Nnnn... no.

( The picture comes up again.)

Assistant: Well, how about a sudden ending?

(Blackout.)

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