(Cut to stock film of penguins.)
'FRONTIERS OF MEDICINE PART 2'
'THE GATHERING STORM'
(Cut to presenter at desk.)
Presenter: Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do
penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely
enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an
unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a
sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin.
James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and
conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein
ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been
clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the
dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried?
Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance
spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs
ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of
course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must
have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these
penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may
finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the
human mind. Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.
(A scientist with tennis courts in the background. He wears a
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PROF. KEN ROSEWALL'
Scientist: (Australian accent) Hello. Here at the
Institute Professor Charles Pasarell, Dr Peaches Bartkowicz and
myself have been working on the theory originally postulated by the
late Dr Kramer that the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent
than the human being.
(He moves over to a large diagram which is being held by two
tennis players in full tennis kit but wearing the brown coats of
ordinary laboratory technicians. The diagram shows a penguin and a
man in correct proportional size with their comparative brain
capacities marked out clearly showing the man's to be much larger
than the penguin's.)
Scientist: The first thing that Dr Kramer came up with was
that the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man. This
postulate formed the fundamental basis of all his thinking and
remained with him until his death.
(Flash cut of elderly man in tennis shirt and green eye shade
getting an arrow in the head. Cut back to the scientist now with
diagram behind him. It shows a man and a six foot penguin.)
Scientist: Now we've taken this theory one stage further.
If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height
as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find
that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the
point, it is larger than it was.
(Very quick cut of tennis crowd going 'oh' and applauding. Dr
Peaches Bartkowicz standing by tennis net.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DR PEACHES BARTKOWICZ'
Peaches: For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a
man the penguin would have to be over sixty-six feet high.
(She moves to the left and comes upon a cut-out of the lower
visible part of a sixty-six feet high penguin. She looks up at it.
Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: This theory has become known as the waste of
time theory and was abandoned in 1956. (slight edit with jump
visible) Hello again. Standard IQ. tests gave the following
results. The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive
human sub-groups like the bushmen of the Kalahari but better than
BBC program planners. (he refers to graph decorated with little
racquets which shows bushmen with 23, penguins with 13 and BBC
planners' with 8) The BBC program planners surprisingly high
total here can be explained away as being within the ordinary limits
of statistical error. One particularly dim program planner can cock
the whole thing up.
CAPTION: 'YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN'
(Cut to a tennis player in a changing room taking off his gym
shoes. In the background two other players discuss shots.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DR LEWIS HOAD'
Hoad: These IQ. tests were thought to contain an unfair
cultural bias against the penguin. For example, it didn't take into
account the penguins' extremely poor educational system. To devise a
fairer system of test, a team of our researchers spent eighteen
months in Antarctica living like penguins, and subsequently dying
like penguins - only quicker - proving that the penguin is a clever
little sod in his own environment.
(Cut to the scientist.)
Scientist: Therefore we devised tests to be given to the
penguins in the fourth set ... I do beg your pardon, in their own
(Cut to a professor and team surrounding penguins standing in
Professor: What is the next number in this sequence - 2,
4, 6. . .
(A penguin squawks.)
Professor: Did he say eight? ... (sighs) What is...
(Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: The environmental barrier had been removed but
we'd hit another: the language barrier. The penguins could not speak
English and were therefore unable to give the answers. This problem
was removed in the next series of experiments by asking the same
questions to the penguins and to a random group of
non-English-speaking humans in the same conditions.
(Cut to the professor and his team now surrounding a group of
foreigners who are standing in a pool looking bewildered.)
Professor: What is the next number? 2, 4, 6... (long
Swedish Person: . . . Hello?
(Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: The results of these tests were most
illuminating. The penguins' scores were consistently equal to those
of the non-English-speaking group.
(Cut to the foreigners having fish thrown at them, which they
try to catch in their mouths, and a penguin with a menu at a
candlelit table with a woman in evening dress and a waiter trying to
take an order.)
(Cut to Dr Hoad taking a shower.)
Hoad: These enquiries led to certain changes at the BBC
(Cut to the boardroom of BBC. Penguins sit at a table with
signs saying 'program Controller', 'Head of Planning', 'Director
General'. Noise of penguins squawking. Cut to the penguin pool
Hoad's voice ever.)
Hoad: While attendances at zoos boomed.
(The camera pans across to a sign reading 'The program
planners are to be fed at 3 o'clock'.)
Voice Over: Soon these feathery little hustlers were
infiltrating important positions everywhere.
(Mr. Gilliam's animation shows penguins infiltrating important