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Unexploded Scotsman

The cast:

FIRST MAJOR
Eric Idle
SECOND MAJOR
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to Red Square.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE KREMLIT'

(The 't' is crossed out and 'n ' written in. Cut to two Russian majors in a conference room.)

First Major: Svientitzi hobonwy kratow sveguminurdy.

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLES: 'THESE ARE THE VERY IMPORTANT SECRET DOCUMENTS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT'

Second Major: We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.

(Superimposed subtitle in Russian.)

First Major: (speaks in Russian)

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'WHAT?'

Second Major: (looking up) Look out!

SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'REGARDEZ LA!'

(They cower as MacDonald flashes through the skylight and lands on the table where he lies rigid with his knees drawn up. He ticks ominously.)

Second Major: He hasn't gone off.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ZE HABE NICHT OESHPLODEN'

First Major: (speaks in Russian)

SUBTITLE: 'QUICK! RING THE UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN SQUAD'

Second Major: Yes my General!

(Superimposed subtitle in Chinese.)

(Cut to a phone ringing on the branch of a tree. Pull back to show a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD'

(They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled 'Vodka '.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WHISKY'

(The sound of drunken gurglings comes from the bucket.)

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