(Sketch continues from 'Kamikaze Scotsmen'. Cut back to castle
Captain: Right, sergeant major - there's no time to lose.
(The sergeant is sitting on MacDonald. He strikes him on
RSM: Beg pardon, sir?
Captain: No time to lose.
RSM: No what, sir?
Captain: No time... no time to lose.
RSM: Oh, I see, sir. (making gestures) No time...
Captain: Yes, that's right, yes.
RSM: Yes, no time to lose, sir!
RSM: Isn't that funny, sir... I've never come across that
phrase before - 'no time to lose'. Forty-two years I've been in the
regular army and I've never heard that phrase.
Captain: Well, it's in perfectly common parlance.
RSM: In what, sir?
Captain: Oh never mind... right... no time to lose.
RSM: Eventually, yes, sir.
RSM: Like you say, sir. We'll be able to make time,
eventually without to lose, sir, no.
Captain: Look, I don't think you've quite got the hang of
this phrase, sergeant major.
(The same frontage of smart London salon as before. Only this
time the big sign reads 'No Time To Lose Advice Centre'. The same
bowler-hatted man goes in. The same interior, same desk. A
consultant sits behind it, and motions for the man to sit down.)
Consultant: Morning, no time to lose ... (he picks up a
card which reads 'no time to lose'; he keeps flashing it every so
often) Now then, how were you thinking of using the phrase?
(He pulls down a blind behind him on the right which also
reads 'no time to lose' in large letters. He lets it go and it rolls
up again fast.)
Man: Well, I was thinking of using it... er... like...,
well... good morning dear, what is in no time to lose?
Consultant: Er yes... well... you've not quite got the
hang of that, have you.
(He gets out a two-foot-square cube with 'no time to lose' in
the same lettering as it always is, and puts it on the desk. He
points to this in a manic way with a forefinger. He has the words
'no time to lose' on the back of his hand.)
Consultant: (sings) No time to lose, no time to
lose, no time to lose, no time to lose. (to stop the manic fit he
reaches inside desk, pours a drink from a bottle on which is written
'no time to lose) Now, you want to use this phrase in everyday
conversation, is that right?
Man: Yes, that's right.
Consultant: Yes... good...
(He stands up, makes a strange noise, and flings the back of
his jacket up over his head revealing 'no time to lose' written on
the inside of the back lining of his jacket, upside down so that it
is the right way up when it is revealed.)
Man: You see my wife and I have never had a great deal to
say to each other ... (tragic, heart-rending music creeps in
under the dialogue) In the old days we used to find things to
say, like 'pass the sugar'... or, 'that's my flannel', but in the
last ten or fifteen years there just hasn't seemed to be anything to
say, and anyway I saw your phrase advertised in the paper and I
thought, that's the kind of thing I'd like to say to her...
(The consultant pushes down a handle and a large screen comes
up in front of him. On it is written 'no time to lose'. He burst
through the paper.)
Consultant: Yes, well, what we normally suggest for a
beginner such as yourself, is that you put your alarm clock back ten
minutes in the morning, so you can wake up, look at the clock and
use the phrase immediately. (he holds up the card briefly)
Shall we try it?
Consultant: All right - I'll be the alarm clock. When I go
off, look at me and use the phrase, OK? (ticks then imitates
Man: No! Time to lose!
Consultant: No... No time to lose.
Man: No time to lose?
Consultant: No time to lose.
Man: No time to lose.
Consultant: No - to lose... like Toulouse in France. No
Man: No time too lose...
Consultant: No time Toulouse.
Man: No time Toulouse...
Consultant: Not - no time to loser
Man: No - no time to lose!
(ANIMATION: Toulouse-Lautrec in a wild-west gunfight.)
Voice Over: No-time Toulouse. The story of the wild and
lawless days of the post-Impressionists.
(Cut back to the guardroom at Edinburgh Castle. MacDonald is
edging towards the window.)
Captain: Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.
RSM: Look out, sir! MacDonald!
(They both rush to window and grab MacDonald's legs as he
disappears through it.)
RSM: We'll have to hurry, sir. (they haul him back into
the room to reveal he is carrying a saw with which he starts trying
to saw off his head) No, put that down MacDonald. (he
snatches the saw and throws it away) He's reached the sixth
plane already, sir.
Captain: Right, here are the plans sergeant major, good
RSM: Thank you, sir. (he salutes)
(MacDonald is by now trying to strangle himself with his bare
Captain: And good luck to you, MacDonald.
(MacDonald breaks off from strangling himself, to offer a
MacDonald: Thank you, sir.
(He immediately snaps back into trying to strangle himself.)
RSM: Right you are, MacDonald. No time to lose.
Captain: Very good, sergeant major.
(Quick cut to the consultant in the office.)
Consultant: Yes, excellent...
(Cut back to the gates of Edinburgh Castle. Dawn. Music. As
the voice starts the gates open and a lorry emerges.)
Voice Over: So it was that on a cold January morning, RSM
Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald, one of the most highly trained Kamikaze
experts the Scottish Highlands have ever witnessed, left on a
mission which was to... oh I can't go on with this drivel.
(By this time we have cut to a close up of the cab to show RSM
Urdoch at the wheel, with MacDonald beside him. MacDonald has a
revolver and is apparently having an unsuccessful game of Russian
RSM: All right, MacDonald, no time to lose.
(Suddenly MacDonald hurls himself out of the lorry.)
(The RSM slams the brakes on. Skidding noises. Cut to shot of
the lorry skidding to a halt. The RSM leaps out, picks up MacDonald
who is lying on the floor hitting himself, and loads him into the
back of the lorry. He gets back into the lorry and they start off
again. They haven't gone more than a few yards before we see
MacDonald leap out of the back of the lorry, race round to the front
and throw himself down in front of the lorry. The lorry runs right
over him. He picks himself up after it has gone, races up to the
front and tries it again... and again... and again... and again...
and again... Cut to the captain, standing in front of a huge map. He
points with a stick.)
Captain: Well, that's the mission - now here's the method.
RSM Urdoch will lull the enemy into a false sense of security by
giving them large quantifies of money, a good home, and a steady
job. Then, when they're upstairs with the wife, Sapper MacDonald
will hurl himself at the secret documents, destroying them and
himself. Well, that's the plan, the time is now 19.42 hours. I want
you to get to bed, have a' good night's rest and be up on parade
early in the morning. Thank you for listening and thank you for a
(Pull out to reveal that he is in a very small sitting room,
alone apart from his wife who sits knitting by the fire not
listening to a word he's saying.)