(We see Edinburgh Castle at dusk. The lone piper is
silhouetted against the crimson-streaked sky.)
Jeremy: (voice over) The lone piper on the
battlements of Edinburgh 'Castle...
(There are a few bars of bagpipe music. Suddenly there is a
scream and he disappears. Cut to interior of stone-walled guardroom
inside Edinburgh Castle. Ten kilted Scottish guardsmen with bagpipes
in a line. A sergeant major at the door taps one on the shoulder.)
(The next goes outside. We hear pipes start, the sergeant
smiles. Cut to castle battlements. The piper plays and then jumps
off We hear the scream as before. Another piper emerges and goes
through the same routine.)
Voice Over: (Scottish accent) Here on top of
Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being
trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's
Own McKamikaze Highlanders. (there is a scream and a piper jumps
off, another one emerges and starts to play) So successful has
been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have
dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes
these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?
(Close ups of soldiers.)
Scots Soldier: The money's good!
Second Soldier: And the water skiing! (he falls down
with a scream)
(Cut to interior of the guardroom in Edinburgh Castle. As
before, but with only six men left plus the sergeant major. Bagpipes
and a scream. The sergeant major dispatches another man. A captain
enters. Bagpipes again.)
Captain: All right, sergeant major. At ease. Now, how many
chaps have you got left,?
RSM: Six, sir,
Captain: Six? (there is a scream)
RSM: Five, sir. (to another highlander carrying
bagpipes) Good luck, Johnson. (Johnson leaves)
Captain: Jolly good show, sergeant major. (we hear
bagpipes starting up outside) Well, I've come to tell you that
we've got a job for your five lads.
(There is a scream.)
RSM: Four, sir.
Captain: For your four lads.
RSM: (whispering to another man) Good luck,
Taggart: Thank you, sarge. (he goes)
Captain: (looking rather uncertainly at the man
leaving) Now this mission's going to be dangerous, (bagpipes
start) and it's going to be tough, and we're going to need every
lad of yours to pull his weight. (the usual scream in the
background) Now, which ... er ... which four are they?
RSM: These three here, sir. OK. Off you go, Smith.
Smith: (with manic eagerness) Right! (he charges
out through door before captain can stop him)
Captain: (with mounting concern) ... er ...
RSM: Yes, sir? (bagpipes start outside)
Captain: You don't think it might be a good idea... er...
to stop the training program for a little bit?
RSM: They got to be trained, sir. It's a dangerous job.
Captain: Yes ... I know... but... er ... (the usual
RSM: All right MacPherson, you're next, off you go.
Captain: You see what is worrying me, sergeant major,
is... MacPherson I'll make it a gud'un, sir! (he dashes off)
RSM: Good luck, MacPherson.
Captain: Er... MacPherson... (the bagpipes start up)
only this mission really is very dangerous. We're going to need both
the chaps that you've got left (scream)
RSM: Both of who, sir?
Captain: Sergeant major, what's this man's name?
RSM: This one sir? This one is MacDonald, sir.
Captain: No, no, no, no. (the captain stops MacDonald
who is straining quite hard to get away) Hang on to MacDonald,
sergeant major, hang on to him.
RSM: I don't know whether I can, sir... (MacDonald's
eyes are staring in a strange way) he's in a state of Itsubishi
Captain: What's that?
(They am both struggling to restrain MacDonald.)
RSM: It's the fifth state that a Scotsman can achieve,
sir. He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime or he thinks he's
let down the Emperor, sir.
Captain: Well, can't we get him out of it?
RSM: Oh, I dunno how to, sir. Our Kamikaze instructor, Mr.
Yashimoto, was so good he never left Tokyo airport.
Captain: Well, there must be someone else who can advise
(Exterior of smart London health-salon-type frontage. A big
sign reads 'Kamikaze Advice Centre '. A bowler-hatred man enters. A
receptionist sits behind a posh desk.)
Man: (very businesslike) Good morning, Kamikaze,
Receptionist: (indicating door) Yes, would you go
Man: Thank you.
(The man walks over to the door, opens it, walks through and
disappears from sight. There is nothing but sky and clouds through
the door. Scream. Cut back to castle guardroom... Sketch continues
with 'No Time To Lose')