(A church-hall type stage, as if for a TV version of 'Down
Your Way '. A vast sign across the backcloth reads 'Prejudice'.
Russell Braddon enters. He wears a suit and has a clipboard.)
Braddon: Good evening and welcome to another edition of
'Prejudice' - the show that gives you 'a chance to have a go at
Wops, Krauts, Nigs, Eyeties, Gippos, Bubbles, Froggies, Chinks,
Yidds, Jocks, Polacks, Paddies and Dagoes. (applause; he goes to
desk at side of stage)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ALL FACTS VERIFIED BY TIlE RHODESIAN
Braddon: Tonight's show comes live from the tiny village
of Rabid in Buckinghamshire, and our first question tonight is from
a Mrs. Elizabeth Scrint who says she is going on a Mediterranean
cruise next week and can't find anything wrong with the Syrians.
Well, Mrs. Scrint, apart from being totally unprincipled left-wing
troublemakers, the Syrians are also born skivers, they're dirty,
smelly and untrustworthy, and, of course, they're friends of the
awful gippos. (applause) There you are, Mrs. Scrint, I hope
that answers some of your problems - have a nice trip. (more
applause) Well now, the result of last week's competition when
we asked you to find a derogatory term for the Belgians. Well, the
response was enormous and we took quite a long time sorting out the
winners. There were some very clever entries. Mrs. Hatred of
Leicester Said 'let's not call them anything, let's just ignore
them' ... (applause starts vigorously, but he holds his hands up
for silence) ... and a Mr. St John of Hurtfingdou said he
couldn't think of anything more derogatory than Belgias. (cheers
and applause; a girl in showgirl costume comes on and holds up
placards through next bit) But in the end we settled on three
choices: number three ... the Sprouts (placard 'The Sprouts'),
sent in by Mrs. Vicious of Hastings... very nice ; number two.....
the Phlegms (placard) ... from Mrs. Childmolester of Worthing;
but the winner was undoubtedly from Mrs. No-Supper-For-You from
Norwood in Lancashire ... Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards.
(placard; roar of applause) Very good - thank you, Carol.
(Carol exits) But as you know on this program we're not just
prejudiced against race or color, we're also prejudiced against -
yes, you've guessed, stinking homosexuals! (applause) So
before the streets start emptying in Chelsea tonight, let's go
straight over to our popular prejudiced panel game and invite you
once again to - Shoot The Poof! And could our first contestant sign
(Cut to blackboard and entrance as they used to have in
'What's My Line'. A contestant comes from behind screen and starts
to write his name.)
Voice Over: Our first contestant is a hairdresser from...
(A shot rings out and the contestant falls to the floor.
Applause. Cut to a camp highwayman in a pink mask who blows smoke
from a gun and puts it back in the holster.)
Highwayman: I never did like that kind of person... !
(A shot rings out. He dies. Cut to Dennis Moore on a horse
blowing smoke from gun and putting it in his holster. He gallops
off. We see him swooping down, after a couple of riding shots, on
Moore: Halt! Halt! (the stage comes to a halt and the
occupants get out rapidly, their hands held high) Gentlemen,
ladies, bring out your valuables please. Come along sir, come along.
Come along, madam, come along. Oh, is that all you've got ... well,
he's got much more than you ... so you'd better have some of his ...
(transfers money from one passenger to another, dropping some)...
sorry... pick them up in a moment... there's about oh, what, nine
down there... so you must have about... oh, he's still got lots...
oh you've got what? ... you've got more than he started with... so
if I give you some of those (transferring more coins) ...
well now, look ... have you got a bit of jewelry? If I give you that
one and you have some of his coins (the credits start,
superimposed) ... is that another box? Were you trying to hide
it? Well, that's nice! Right! Now. I've got a tiara ... you've got
one... you've got one of the boxes... you've got one... anyone else
got a tiara? Take your hat off! (passenger does so to reveal a
tiara)... Oh, honestly, it's absolutely pointless trying to do
this if you're going to cheat. It really is awful of you;.. (fade
CAPTION: 'ERRATUM. JACK BODELL WAS BORN IN SWADLINCOTE IN
(Cut to the inside of a bus. A judge is sitting there in full
robes, looking rather unhappy. He is obviously one of the
competitors from earlier. His friend tries to cheer him up.)
Friend: I thought you should have won. I mean, judicially
you swept the board ... all right, he has posture, but where was he
in the summing up?
(Behind these two another judge is sitting with his mother,
Mother: Oh shut up Melford, there's always next year.
(Another judge further back petulantly rips up his number
card. We cut to the outside back of this bus. The destination board
says 'The End'. As the bus drives away we hold on a board sticking
out from a building which reads 'Hospital... sorry no checks'.)