(Black screen and a collection of really silly noises. Then
fade up on a country church. Cut to interior, a vestry. A sign reads
'No Papists'. The door opens and the vicar enters as if from the end
of a service. He takes off his cassock and is hanging it up. At one
side of the set is a sculpture on a plinth. It is the vicar's head,
but with an enormously long nose. Mr. Kirkham has followed the vicar
in. He is an earnest, quiet, self-effacing soul, with a tortured
Vicar: Come in.
Kirkham: I wondered if I could have a word with you for a
Vicar: By all means ... by all means, sir. Do sit down.
(they look round for a chair) Ah,. sit on the desk here.
Kirkham: Thank you.
Vicar: Now then, a glass of sherry?
Kirkham: No... no thank you...
Vicar: (getting a bottle from the cupboard) Are you
sure? I'm going to have some.
Kirkham: Well, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps,
Vicar: (slightly taken aback) Oh... well there's
only just enough for me.
Kirkham: Well in that case I won't, don't worry.
Vicar: You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly
any left for me at all.
Kirkham: Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.
Vicar: Good! So, I can have it all ... now then what's the
Kirkham: Well, just recently I've begun to worry about...
(The vicar has been looking through his desk. He produces a
bottle of sherry in triumph.)
Vicar: Ah! I've found another bottle! You can have some
now if you want to.
Kirkham: Well... yes, perhaps a little...
Vicar: Oh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle.
Kirkham: Well in that case, no...
Vicar: Good! That's another bottle for me. Do go on.
(The vicar opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. As soon
as he has drunk it he replenishes it again.)
Kirkham: I've begun to worry recently that...
(There is a knock on the door.)
Vicar: Come in!
(A smooth man, Mr. Husband, enters carrying a smart little
Vicar: Ah, Mr. Husband ... this is Mr. Kirkham, one of my
parishioners, this is Mr. Husband of the British Sherry
Kirkham: Look, look, perhaps I'd better come back later...
Vicar: No, no ... no do stay here. Have a sherry... you
won't be long will you, Husband?
Husband: Oh no, vicar... it's just a question of signing a
(The vicar pours Husband a sherry)
Vicar: There we are... there we are, Mr. Husband. Now, how
about you, Mr. Kirkham?
Kirkham: Well only if there's enough.
Vicar: Oh well, there's not much now.
Kirkham: Oh, in that case... no... I won't bother.
Vicar: (pouring himself one) Good. Right... now,
then, what is the problem, Husband?
Husband: Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our
shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000
Vicar: And how many glasses is that?
Husband: That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar.
Vicar: That's excellent, Husband, excellent.
Husband: Yes... it means you can still keep your main
sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply
underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons.
Vicar: Yes... and I could have dry sherry on the roof and
Amontillado in the underground tank!
(The vicar signs a form that Husband hands to him.)
Vicar: Excellent work, Husband, excellent work.
Husband: Not at all, vicar, you're one of our best
customers... you and the United States. Well goodbye. (he leaves)
Vicar: Terrific. Now then, Mr. Kirkham (pouring himself
another sherry) I am so sorry... do go on.
Kirkham: Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry
Vicar: Well, look...
Kirkham: I sometimes ask myself- does the Bible intend...
(A group of Spanish singers in full national costume and
guitars bursts into the Vestry, noisily singing a song praising
Amontillado. A man in an extravagant Spanish costume rushes in. His
hat has a sign on it saying: 'Sherry, the drink of champion'. Two
girls come in bearing maracas and Carmen Miranda style hats. Mr.
Kirkham looks fed up. The Spaniards finish their song, noisily.)