Monty Python ScriptsSilly Noises / Sherry-drinking VicarThe cast:
The sketch:(Black screen and a collection of really silly noises. Then fade up on a country church. Cut to interior, a vestry. A sign reads 'No Papists'. The door opens and the vicar enters as if from the end of a service. He takes off his cassock and is hanging it up. At one side of the set is a sculpture on a plinth. It is the vicar's head, but with an enormously long nose. Mr. Kirkham has followed the vicar in. He is an earnest, quiet, self-effacing soul, with a tortured conscience.) Vicar: Come in. Kirkham: I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment. Vicar: By all means ... by all means, sir. Do sit down. (they look round for a chair) Ah,. sit on the desk here. Kirkham: Thank you. Vicar: Now then, a glass of sherry? Kirkham: No... no thank you... Vicar: (getting a bottle from the cupboard) Are you sure? I'm going to have some. Kirkham: Well, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps, vicar. Vicar: (slightly taken aback) Oh... well there's only just enough for me. Kirkham: Well in that case I won't, don't worry. Vicar: You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly any left for me at all. Kirkham: Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker. Vicar: Good! So, I can have it all ... now then what's the problem? Kirkham: Well, just recently I've begun to worry about... (The vicar has been looking through his desk. He produces a bottle of sherry in triumph.) Vicar: Ah! I've found another bottle! You can have some now if you want to. Kirkham: Well... yes, perhaps a little... Vicar: Oh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle. Kirkham: Well in that case, no... Vicar: Good! That's another bottle for me. Do go on. (The vicar opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. As soon as he has drunk it he replenishes it again.) Kirkham: I've begun to worry recently that... (There is a knock on the door.) Vicar: Come in! (A smooth man, Mr. Husband, enters carrying a smart little briefcase.) Vicar: Ah, Mr. Husband ... this is Mr. Kirkham, one of my parishioners, this is Mr. Husband of the British Sherry Corporation... Kirkham: Look, look, perhaps I'd better come back later... Vicar: No, no ... no do stay here. Have a sherry... you won't be long will you, Husband? Husband: Oh no, vicar... it's just a question of signing a few forms. (The vicar pours Husband a sherry) Vicar: There we are... there we are, Mr. Husband. Now, how about you, Mr. Kirkham? Kirkham: Well only if there's enough. Vicar: Oh well, there's not much now. Kirkham: Oh, in that case... no... I won't bother. Vicar: (pouring himself one) Good. Right... now, then, what is the problem, Husband? Husband: Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons. Vicar: And how many glasses is that? Husband: That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar. Vicar: That's excellent, Husband, excellent. Husband: Yes... it means you can still keep your main sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons. Vicar: Yes... and I could have dry sherry on the roof and Amontillado in the underground tank! Husband: Absolutely. (The vicar signs a form that Husband hands to him.) Vicar: Excellent work, Husband, excellent work. Husband: Not at all, vicar, you're one of our best customers... you and the United States. Well goodbye. (he leaves) Vicar: Terrific. Now then, Mr. Kirkham (pouring himself another sherry) I am so sorry... do go on. Kirkham: Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry about... Vicar: Well, look... Kirkham: I sometimes ask myself- does the Bible intend... (A group of Spanish singers in full national costume and guitars bursts into the Vestry, noisily singing a song praising Amontillado. A man in an extravagant Spanish costume rushes in. His hat has a sign on it saying: 'Sherry, the drink of champion'. Two girls come in bearing maracas and Carmen Miranda style hats. Mr. Kirkham looks fed up. The Spaniards finish their song, noisily.)
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