(Cut to a similar landscape. Preparations for an expedition
are underway. equipment being piled into land-rovers etc. An
interviewer walks into shot.)
Interviewer: Hello. All the activity you can see in
progress here is part of the intricate... aah! (he steps into a
man-trap, but continues bravely) preparations for the British
Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The leader of the expedition is Sir
Jane Russell. (the interviewer in slightly different spot with
the admiral; we now see that the interviewer has a wooden leg and a
crutch) Sir Jane, what is the purpose of your expedition?
Sir Jane: Well this is a completely uncharted lake with
like hitherto unclassified marine life man, so the whole scene's
wide open for a scientific exploration.
Interviewer: (now with a parrot on his shoulder)
One can see the immense amount of preparation involved. Have there
been many difficulties in setting up this venture?
Sir Jane: (with 'naval-lib' badge) Well the real
hang-up was with the bread man but when the top brass pigs came
through we got it together in a couple of moons. Commodore Betty
Grable, who's a real sub-aqua head, has got together diving wise and
like the whole gig's been a real gas man.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver hat) Thank
you. (and eye patch) Lieutenant Commander Dorothy Lamour.
Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver jacket)
Dorothy you're in charge of security and liaison for this operation.
Dorothy Lamour: Right on. (he is smoking something and
is really cool)
Interviewer: You've kept this all rather hush-hush so far
Dorothy Lamour: Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all
these freaks from the fascist press trying to blow the whole scene.
Interviewer: (to camera) There's no doubt about it,
this expedition does have some rather unusual aspects, Jim lad. For
a first, why does the senior personnel all bear the names of
Hollywood film stars of the forties ... and female ones at that,
shiver me timbers 'tis the black spot, and secondly, I be not afraid
of thee Blind Pew ... why do they talk this rather strange stilted,
underground jargon, belay the main brace Squire Trelawney this be my
ship now. (he is hit by a dart) Argh! A tranquillizing dart
fired by the cowardly BBC health department dogs ... they've done
filled me full of chlorpromazine damn!
(He falls. A second interviewer coma into shot and catches the
Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about my colleague's rather
Sir Jane: (running towards the camera) The navy's
out of sight man come together with the RN it's really something
other than else.
(Animated psychedelic advert for the Royal Navy.)
Animated Voice: You dig it, man?
(Cut back to second interviewer.)
Second Interviewer: Hello. I'm sorry about my colleague's
rather unconventional behavior just now, but things haven't been tog
easy for him recently, trouble at home, rather confidential so I
can't give you all the details... interesting though they are...
three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so on, anyway...
apparently the girl wasn't even ... anyway the activity you see
behind me... it's the mother I feel sorry for. I'll start again. The
activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new
Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this expedition
is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir John, hello there.
Sir John: Ah, hello. Well first of all I'd like to
apologize for the behavior of certain of my colleagues you may have
seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so
on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved
British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority; and may I take
this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the
British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is
a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new
ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find
tooth marks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me
immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the
whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is right out. (the
interviewer keeps nodding but looks embarrassed) Now, this
expedition is primarily to investigate reports of cannibalism and
necrophilia in ... this expedition is primarily to investigate
reports of unusual marine life in the as yet uncharted Lake Pahoe.
Interviewer: And where exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er 22A, Runcorn Avenue, I think. Yes, that's
Interviewer: Runcorn Avenue?
Sir John: Yes, it's just by Blenheim Crescent... do you
Interviewer: You mean it's in an ordinary street?
Sir John: Of course it's not an ordinary street! It's got
a lake in it!
Interviewer: Yes but I...
Sir John: Look, how many streets do you know that have got
lakes in them?
Interviewer: But you mean... is it very large?
Sir John: Of course it's not large, you couldn't get a
large lake in Runcorn Avenue! You'd have to knock down the
tobacconist's! (looking off camera) Jenkins ... no!
(We see a rather sheepish rating about to sink his teeth into
a human leg. Sir John puts his hand in front of the lens. Cut to
Runcorn Avenue, an ordinary street with houses now turned into
flats. The land-rover arrives with the equipment.)
Interviewer: I'm now standing in Runcorn Avenue. Sir John
... where exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er, well let's see, that's 18... that's 20 so
this must be the one.
Interviewer: Er, excuse me...
Sir John: Yes, that's the one all right.
Interviewer: But it's an ordinary house.
Sir John: Look, I'm getting pretty irritated with this
line of questioning.
Interviewer: But it doesn't even look like a lake...
Sir John: Look, your whole approach since this interview
started has been to mock the Navy. When I think that it was for the
likes of you that I had both my legs blown off...
Interviewer: (pointing at perfectly healthy legs)
You haven't had both your legs blown off!
Sir John: I was talking metaphorically you fool. Jenkins -
put that down. (Jenkins returns the leg to the land-rover)
Right, is the equipment ready?
Rating: Diving equipment all ready man. (gives hippy
Sir John: (warning finger) Right. Now quite simply
the approach to Lake Pahoe is up the steps, and then we come to the
shores of the lake. Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if
there's anyone in.
Man: (answering) Hello?
Sir John: Good morning - I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe.
Man: There's a Mr. Padgett.
Sir John: No, no a lake.
Man: There's no lake here, mate. This is Runcorn Avenue.
What's the camera doing?
Woman: (coming out) Camera? What's he want? Oooh,
are we on the telly? (grins at the camera)
Man: He's looking for a lake.
Sir John: Lake Pahoe.
Woman: Oh, you want downstairs, 22A the basement.
Sir John: Ah! Thank you very much. Good morning. Come on
(They walk down to the basement. The interviewer intercepts
Interviewer: Were you successful, Sir John?
Sir John: It's in the basement.
Interviewer: In the basement?
(He sees a parrot on his shoulder.)
Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: Eugh! (he knocks it off)
(Sir John goes to the front door of 22a and rings. Then he
looks into the living room through the window. A middle-aged couple
are sitting inside. The room is full of water. The man reads the
paper and the woman knits, Both wear breathing apparatus. Sir John
knocks on the window. The woman looks up.)
Sir John: Hello.
Woman: Ooooh. I think' it's someone about the damp.
Sir John: Hello.
Man: Tell 'em about the bleeding rats, too.
Woman: I'll go (she swims to window and shouts out)
Sir John: Good morning, is this Lake Pahoe?
Woman: Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding
damp. Are you from the council?
Sir John: No. We are the official British Naval Expedition
to this lake. May we come in?
Woman: Hang on.
(She submerges and picks up a big sign showing it to the man.
The sign reads 'It's not the council, it's a British Naval
Expedition to Lake Pahoe or something and can they come in'. The man
reads the card An enormous shark looks over his shoulder appearing
from a cupboard. The man sees it and hits it with a newspaper.)
Man: Bloody sharks.
Woman: Get in.
(He holds up a sign reading 'Tell them to go away '. The woman
swims to the window and gives a V-sign to Sir John.)
Sir John: Well um... that would appear to be the end of