(The door opens and two pantomime horses run in. Pantomime
music. They do a routine including running round the room and
bumping into each other. They then stand in front of the city gent
crossing their legs and putting their heads on one side.)
City Gent: Now I've asked you to ...
(they repeat the routine)
Now I've asked you ...
(they start again)
Now I've asked you in here to see me this morning because I'm
afraid we're going to have to let one of you go.
(the pantomime hones heads go up, their ears waggle and their
eyes go round)
I'm very sorry but the present rationalization of this firm makes
it inevitable that we hive one of you off.
(mater spurts out of their eyes in a stream)
Now you may think that this is very harsh behavior but let me
tell you that our management consultants actually queried the
necessity for us to employ- a pantomime horse at all.
(the horses register surprise and generally behave
And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go.
Champion... how many years have you been with this firm?
(Champion stamps his foot three times)
(Trigger stamps his front foot twice and rear foot once)
I see. Well, it's a difficult decision. But in accordance with
our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy
competition I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death
(one of the hones runs up to him and puts his head by the city
No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.
(The hones turn and start kicking each other on the shins.
After a few blows)
In the hard and unrelenting world of nature the ceaseless
struggle for survival continues.
(one of the pantomime horses turns tail and runs out)
This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat and so
lives to fight another day.
(cut to stock film of sea lions fighting)
Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion
seeing off an intruding bull who is attempting to intrude on his
harem. This pattern of aggressive behavior is typical of these
(cut to shot of two almost stationary limpets)
Here we see two limpets locked in a life or death struggle for
territory. The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, endeavors to
encircle its sprightly opponent.
(shot of wolf standing still)
Here we see an ant. This ant is engaged in a life or death
struggle with the wolf. You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf
on all sixes.
(a moving arrow is superimposed)
Now he stops to observe. Satisfied that the wolf has not heard
him, he approaches nearer. With great skill he chooses his moment
and then, quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound
(the arrow moves to the wolf's throat; the wolf does not move)
buries his fangs in the wolf's neck. The wolf struggles to no
avail. A battle of this kind can take anything up to fifteen years
because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth.
(distant shot of two men fighting violently)
Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life or death struggle
with Peter Scott. They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat
fees on the overseas sales of their nature documentaries.
(another man joins in)
Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. This is
typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features.
(shot of honey bear sitting about aimlessly)
Here we see a honey bear not engaged in a life or death struggle
about anything. These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures
and consequently bad television.
(shot of pantomime horse running along in a wood)
Here we see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or death
struggle for a job with a merchant bank. However, his rival
employee, the huge bull pantomime horse, is lying in wait for him.
(pantomime horse behind tree drops sixteen-ton weight on the
horse running under the tree)
Poor pantomime horse.
(shot of pantomime goose behind a small tree with a bow and
Here we see a pantomime goose engaged in a life or death struggle
with Terence Rattigan.
(we see Terrace walking along)
The enraged goose fires.
(the goose fires and hits Terence in the neck; Terrace looks
amazed and dies)
Poor Terence. Another victim of this silly film.
(shot of an amazing-looking large woman with a crown waiting
in the undergrowth by the side of a path)
Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret, she is lying
in wait for her breakfast.
(a breakfast tray appears being pulled along the path by a
length of wire)
The unsuspecting breakfast glides over closer to its doom. The
enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill. She raises
her harpoon and fires.
(the pantomime Princess Margaret does so, hurling the harpoon
at the moving tray)
Pang! Right in the toast. A brief struggle and all is over. Poor
breakfast! Another victim of the.... aargh!
(ANIMATION: which beans by showing the sudden demise of the
previous voice over and continues with the story of a carnivorous