(Pull back to show that 'Mary' is part of a sign saying: 'Mary
Recruitment Office'. Pull out to reveal that it is a sign over a
shop as for 'army recruiting office. An R.S.M. with waxed moustache
and snappy straight-against-the-forehead peaked cap comes out of the
shop. He hangs a clearly printed sign on a nail on the door. It
reads: 'Sketch just starting - actor wanted'.
Voice Over: Sketch just starting, actor wanted.
(The R.S.M. looks up and down the road, glances up at the sign
above his shop without noticing it. He goes inside again. A man
walks up, reads the sign and enters. He is Mr. Man.)
Mr. Man: Good morning.
R.S.M.: Morning, sir.
Mr. Man: I'd like to join the army please.
RSM: I see, sir. Short service or long service commission,
Mr. Man: As long as possible please.
R.S.M.: Right well I'll just take a few particulars and
(Suddenly he looks as though a dim memory has penetrated his
skull. He breaks off, looking thoughtful, walks towards the door and
exits. He comes out of shop, looks up at word 'Mary' tuts and
changes the letters round to read 'Army'. He suddenly looks round
and we see a queue of nuns.)
R.S.M.: Shove off! (he goes back inside) Then
there'll be a few forms to sign, and of course we'll need references
and then a full medical examination by the ...
Mr. Man: Yes. Yes, yes I see. (diffidently) I was
just wondering whether it would be possible for me to join... the
R.S.M.: The Women's Royal Army Corps, sir?
Mr. Man: Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was
possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the
Women's Royal Amy Corps.
R.S.M.: Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here
normally go straight into the Scots Guards.
Mr. Man: Which is all... men... I suppose?
R.S.M.: Yes it is.
Mr. Man: Yes. Are there any regiments which are more
effeminate than others?
R.S.M.: Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines,
they're all dead butch.
Mr. Man: You see, what I really wanted was a regiment
where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself m work
with fabrics, and creating new concepts in interior design.
R.S.M.: Working with fabrics and experimenting with
Mr. Man: Yes.
R.S.M.: Oh well you want the Durham Light Infantry then,
Mr. Man: Oh.
R.S.M.: Oh yes. That's the only regiment that's really
doing something new with interior design, with color, texture, line
Mr. Man: I see.
R.S.M.: Oh yes, I mean their use of color with fabrics is
fantastic. I saw their pattern book the other day - beautiful,
beautiful. Savage tans, great slabs of black, set against aggressive
orange. It really makes you want to shout out, this is good! This is
Mr. Man: Really?
R.S.M.: Oh yes. I mean the Inniskillin Fusiliers and the
Anglian Regiment are all right if you're interested in the art
nouveau William Morris revival bit, but if you really want a
regiment of the line that is really saying something about interior
decor, then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry.
Mr. Man: Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm handing in my
R.S.M.: What do you mean?
Mr. Man: Well I 'mean, when I applied for this job I
thought I'd get a few decent lines but you end up doing the whole
thing. I mean my last five speeches have been 'really, really - I
see - I see' and 'really'. I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.
R.S.M.: All right, all right, all right, sonny. I'll tell
you what. We'll do something different. I'll be a bus conductor, and
you can be a really funny passenger on a bus.