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Monty Python ScriptsArgument Clinic / Hitting on the Head LessonsThe cast:
The sketch:Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please. Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? Man: Well, what is the cost? Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes. Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. (Pause) Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Mr. Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT? Man: Well, I was told outside that... Mr. Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Man: What? Mr. Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!! Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!! Mr. Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it. Mr. Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor. Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry. Mr. Barnard: Not at all. Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!! (Walk down the corridor) Man: (Knock) Mr. Vibrating: Come in. Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument? Mr. Vibrating: I told you once. Man: No you haven't. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have. Man: When? Mr. Vibrating: Just now. Man: No you didn't. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: You didn't Mr. Vibrating: I did! Man: You didn't! Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you I did! Man: You did not!! Mr. Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? Man: Oh, just the five minutes. Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did. Man: You most certainly did not. Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you. Man: No you did not. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: You didn't. Mr. Vibrating: Did. Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument. Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is. Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: It is! Mr. Vibrating: It is not. Man: Look, you just contradicted me. Mr. Vibrating: I did not. Man: Oh you did!! Mr. Vibrating: No, no, no. Man: You did just then. Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense! Man: Oh, this is futile! Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: I came here for a good argument. Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument. Man: An argument isn't just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating: It can be. Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.' Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is! Man: No it isn't! Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause) Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: It is. Mr. Vibrating: Not at all. Man: Now look. Mr. Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning. Man: What? Mr. Vibrating: That's it. Good morning. Man: I was just getting interested. Mr. Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up. Man: That was never five minutes! Mr. Vibrating: I'm afraid it was. Man: It wasn't. (Pause) Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore. Man: What?! Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on! Mr. Vibrating: (Hums) Man: Look, this is ridiculous. Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! Man: Oh, all right. (pays money) Mr. Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause) Man: Well? Mr. Vibrating: Well what? Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now. Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man: I just paid! Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't. Man: I DID! Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't. Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that. Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay. Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you! Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't. Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Man: Oh I've had enough of this. Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't. Man: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.) Man: I want to complain. Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. Man: No, I want to complain about... Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother. Man: Oh! Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office. (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.) Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh! Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. Man: uuuwwhh!! Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there. Man: No. Spreaders: Now.. Man: Waaaaah!!! Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it. Man: Stop hitting me!! Spreaders: What? Man: Stop hitting me!! Spreaders: Stop hitting you? Man: Yes! Spreaders: Why did you come in here then? Man: I wanted to complain. Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here. Man: What a stupid concept. (Detective Inspector Fox enters.)
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Monty
Python Scripts
