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Monty Python ScriptsSalvation Fuzz (Dead Bishop)The cast:
The sketch:(Cut to a kitchen. A man and woman listening to a radio.) Radio Voice: I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler. Man's Voice: Gerald? Another Voice: Well I'd annex the Sudetenland and sign a non-aggression pact with Russia. First Man's Voice: Norman? Norman's Voice: Well I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand. Woman: (switching the radio off) Liberal rubbish. Klaus ... what do you want with your jugged fish? Man: Halibut. Woman: The jugged fish is halibut. Man: What fish have you got that isn't jugged, then? Woman: Rabbit. Man: What? Rabbit fish? Woman: Yes. It's got fins. Man: Is it dead? Woman: Well, it was coughing up blood last night. Man: All right I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish. CAPTION: 'ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER' Man: Well that was really horrible. Woman: You're always complaining. Man: What's for afters? Woman: Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart. Man: Strawberry tart?! Woman: Well it's got some rat in it. Man: How much? Woman: Three, rather a lot really. Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it. CAPTION: 'ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER' Man: Appalling. Woman: Moan, moan, moan. (Enter their son.) Son: Hello, mum, hello, dad. Man: Hello, son. Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing. Woman: Where did that come from? Son: What do you mean? Woman: What's its diocese? Son: Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me. Man: I'll go and have a look. (goes out) Woman: I don't know who keeps bringing them in here. Son: Well it's not me. Woman: I've put three out by the bin and the dustmen won't touch 'em. Man: (coming back) Leicester. Woman: How do you know? Man: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm going to call the police. Woman: Shouldn't you call the Church? Son: Call the Church police. Man: ,.. all fight. (shouts) The Church police! (Enter two policemen with ecclesiastical accoutrements.) Church Policeman: Yes! Woman: There's another dead bishop on the landing. Church Policeman: Suffragan or diocesan? Woman: How should I know? Church Policeman: It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart? Woman: Yes. Church Policeman: Disgusting. Right! The hunt is on. (kneels) Oh Lord we beseech thee tell us who croaked Leicester. (Organ music. A huge hand descends and points at the man.) Man: All right, it's a fair cop, but society is to blame. Church Policeman: Agreed. Man: I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration. Church Policeman: Right. And now, I'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn. All: (singing) And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's mountains green. (policemen escort the man out) And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures seen.
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Monty
Python Scripts
