(Shakespeare washing up at a sink present day)
Shakespeare: You wanna bet? Incidentally, its da-da-da-dum,
(Cut to Beethoven.)
Beethoven: You're right. Oh, incidentally, why not call
(Cut back to Shakespeare)
Shakespeare: Hamlet I like much better than David. (he
shouts through , open window next to sink) Michelangelo You can
use David. I won't sue
(Cut to Michelangelo's studio. Michelangelo is in middle of
feeding and looking after at least six screaming little babies. His
statue of David is in the foreground.)
Michelangelo: Thanks, but I've had a better idea.
Camera pans down to show engraved on plinth beneath statue the
words Michelangelo's fifth symphony '.)
Wife: (off-screen) Michelangelo!
Michelangelo: Yes, dear!
Wife: I've had another son.
Michelangelo: Oh, my life.
(Cut to Mozart. He is scrubbing the floor. Caption: 'W. A.
Mozart: (Jewish accent) Composer? Huh! I wouldn't
wish it on my son. He's a sensitive boy, already. I'd rather he was
a sewage attendant or a ratcatcher.
(Cut to street with old-fashioned shops. Exterior. Camera
tracks in to a shopfront with a large sign outside: 'Rodent
Exterminating Boutique - Colin "Chopper" Mozart (Son Of Composer)
Ratcatcher To The Nobility And Ordinary People, Too - Ici On Parle
Portugaise'. At the door of shop stands Colin Mozart. A kid runs up
to him bearing a long cleft stick, Mozart takes the note from the
cleavage and reads it.)
Colin Mozart: Aha! Rats at 42a Kartoffelnstrasse. Hey
Mitzi! I gotta go to Potato Street.
Mitzi: (off-screen) Put your galoshes on.
(Mozart leaps on to a bike carrying two shrimp-nets, and rides
off. Superimposed caption: 'MUNICH I82I')
Colin Mozart: (shouting) Depressed by rats? Do mice
get you down? Then why not visit Colin Mozart's Rodent Extermination
Boutique. Rats extirpated, mice punished, voles torn apart by Colin
Mozart, Munich's leading furry animal liquidator.
(Colin Mozart cycles up to Beethoven's house. Outside is a
MR AND MRS EMMANUEL KANT
FRAU MITZI HANDGEPACKAUFBEWAHRUNG
MR DICKIE WAGNER
K. TYNAN (NO RELATION)
MR AND MRSJ. W. VON GOETHE AND DOG
HERR E. W. SWANTON
MR AND MRS P. ANKA
MR AND MRS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN (177o-1827) ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE
Caption on screen: '613.4 SECONDS LATER' Beethoven's front
door is opened by Mrs. Beethoven.)
Mrs. Beethoven: Yes?
Colin Mozart: Colin Mozart.
Mrs. Beethoven: Oh, thank goodness you've come. We're
having a terrible time with them bleeding rats. I think they
live in his stupid piano already.
(They go into the house. We hear the first two ban of
Beethoven's Fifth counterpointed by loud squealing.)
Beethoven's Voice: Get out the bloody piano you stupid
furry bucktoothed gits! Get out! Gott in Himmel. Get your
stinking tail out of my face.
(Mrs. Beethoven opens the door and we see fir the first
time a strange sight. Rats are flying across the room (thrown
from out of vision) others . scuttle across floor (pulled by
strings) others up wall. One sits on Beethoven's head. The
squealing is deafening. Beethoven plays on relentlessly.. Mozart
and Mrs. Beethoven run into room and start trying to catch the
rats with the shrimp-nets. Caption: '13.4 MINUTES LATER' Colin
Mozart is sitting on the piano. He rakes the rat-infested room
Beethoven: Shut up!
(The picture starts to wobble and mixes back to the two
Second Pepperpot: So anyway, Beethoven was rather glad
when he went deaf.
(Mix to Beethoven pushing the keys of the keyboard which
is all that remains of his piano. He listens vainly. The mynah
bird opens and shuts its beak. In the corner an old horn
gramophone plays. We hear Jimmy Durante singing the end of 'I'm
the guy that found the lost chord'.)