Monty Python Scripts

Judges

The cast:

FIRST JUDGE

Eric Idle

SECOND JUDGE

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Cut to judges' robing room. Both Judges talking in a very camp voice)

First Judge: Well, I was ever so glad they abolished hanging, you know, because that black cap just didn't suit me.

Second Judge: Yes. Do you remember the Glasgow treason trial?

First Judge: Oh yes, I wore a body stocking all through it.

Second Judge: No, hen, with the party afterwards.

First Judge: Oh, that's right. You were walking out with that very butch Clerk of the Court.

Second Judge: That's right. Ooh, he made me want to turn Queen's evidence.

(Superimposed credits. Theme tune heard quietly as judges continue.)

First Judge: Oh, me too. One summing up and I'm anybody's.

Second Judge: Anyway, Bailie Anderson.

First Judge: Ooh, her?

Second Judge: Yes. She's so strict. She was on at me for giving dolly sentences, you know, specially in that arson case.

First Judge: What was the verdict?

Second Judge: They preferred the brown wig.

First Judge: Mm. I love the Scottish Assizes. I know what they mean by a really well-hung jury.

Second Judge: Oohl Get back in the witness box, you're too sharp to live!

First Judge: I'll smack your little botty!

Second Judge: Ooh! and again.

First Judge: Have you tried that new body rub JP's use?

Second Judge: 1 had a magistrate in Bradford yesterday.

First Judge: Funnily enough I felt like one in a lunchtime recess today. (credits end) But the ones I really like are those voice over announcers on the BBC after the programs are over.

Second Judge: Oh, aye, of course, they're as bent as safety pins.

First Judge: I know, but they've got beautiful speaking voices, haven't they? 'And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television.'

Second Judge: 'Here are tonight's football results.'

First and Second Judges: Mmm.

(Fade out.)

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