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Monty Python ScriptsBeethoven's Mynah BirdThe cast:
The sketch:(Cut to Beethoven's living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.) Beethoven: You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet. Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger... Beethoven: Shut up! Mynah: Right in the wing. Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel... I never get any peace here. (He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs. Beethoven enters.) Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig! Beethoven: What? Mrs. Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl? Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl. Mrs. Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl. Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no. (Mrs. Beethoven comes back in.) Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon? Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon! Mrs. Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl. Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up. Mrs. Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes) Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it! (Mrs. Beethoven comes in again.) Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea? Beethoven: What!!!! Mrs. Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER... Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it! Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread? Beethoven: I don't care!! Mrs. Beethoven Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out) Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs. Beethoven charges in with a very load hoover) Mein lieber Gottll What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and banging comes from the wall) What's that! What's that! Mrs. Beethoven: (still hoovering loudly) It's the plumber! (A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.) Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out. Mrs. Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohn's coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets. Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble. (Shakespeare washing up at a sink, present day).
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Monty
Python Scripts
