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Monty Python Scripts

Beethoven's Mynah Bird

The cast:

John Cleese
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Cut to Beethoven's living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)

Beethoven: You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.

Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger...

Beethoven: Shut up!

Mynah: Right in the wing.

Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel... I never get any peace here.

(He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs. Beethoven enters.)

Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig!

Beethoven: What?

Mrs. Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?

Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.

Mrs. Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl.

Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.

(Mrs. Beethoven comes back in.)

Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?

Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!

Mrs. Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.

Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.

Mrs. Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes)

Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!

(Mrs. Beethoven comes in again.)

Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?

Beethoven: What!!!!

Mrs. Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER...

Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!

Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?

Beethoven: I don't care!!

Mrs. Beethoven Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out)

Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs. Beethoven charges in with a very load hoover) Mein lieber Gottll What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and banging comes from the wall) What's that! What's that!

Mrs. Beethoven: (still hoovering loudly) It's the plumber!

(A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)

Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.

Mrs. Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohn's coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets.

Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.

(Shakespeare washing up at a sink, present day).

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