Monty Python Scripts

Mrs. Thing and Mrs. Entity

The cast:

FIRST PEPPERPOT (MRS. ENTITY)

Eric Idle

SECOND PEPPERPOT (MRS. THING)

Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Fade into a bench in a public park, garden or square. A pepperpot is sitting on the bench. ,another pepperpot comes by pushing a shopping trolley.)

First Pepperpot: Hello, Mrs. Thing.

Second Pepperpot: Hello, Mrs. Entity.

First Pepperpot: How are you then?

Second Pepperpot: Oh, I have had a morning.

First Pepperpot: Busy?

Second Pepperpot: Busy - huh! I got up at five o'clock, I made myself a cup of tea, I looked out of the window. Well, by then I was so worn out I had to come and have a sit-down. I've been here for seven hours.

First Pepperpot: You must be exhausted.

Second Pepperpot: Mm. Oh, have you been shopping?

First Pepperpot: No, I've been shopping.

Second Pepperpot: Funny.

First Pepperpot: I'm worn out. I've been shopping for six hours.

Second Pepperpot: What have you bought, then?

First Pepperpot: Nothing. Nothing at all. A complete waste of time.

Second Pepperpot: Wicked, isn't it?

First Pepperpot: Wicked. It'll be worse when we join the Common Market.

Second Pepperpot: That nice Mr. Heath would never allow that.

First Pepperpot: It's funny he never married.

Second Pepperpot: He's a bachelor.

First Pepperpot: Oooh! That would explain it, Oh dear me, this chatting away wears me out.

Second Pepperpot: Yes. I bet Mrs. Reginald Maudling doesn't have to put up with all this drudgery, getting up at five in the morning, making a cup of tea, looking out of the window, chatting away.

First Pepperpot: No! It'd all be done for her.

Second Pepperpot: Yes, she'd have the whole day free for playing snooker.

First Pepperpot: She probably wouldn't go through all the drudgery of playing snooker, day in, day out.

Second Pepperpot: No, it would all be done for her. She wouldn't even have to lift the cue.

First Pepperpot: She probably doesn't even know where the billiard room is.

Second Pepperpot: No, still, it's not as bad as the old days. Mrs. Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands.

First Pepperpot: Yes... and Mrs. William Pitt the EIder used to have to get up at three o'clock and go burrowing for truffles with the bridge of her nose.

Second Pepperpot: Mrs. Beethoven used to have to get up at midnight to spur on the mynah bird.

First Pepperpot: Lazy creatures, mynah birds,..

Second Pepperpot: Yes. When Beethoven went deaf the mynah bird just used to mime.

(The picture begins to wobble as in flashback '; appropriate dreamy music effect)

First Pepperpot: (looking at camera) Ooh! What's happening?

Second Pepperpot: It's all right. It's only a flashback.

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