(Cut to three TV commentators in modern box, with sliding
window open. They are surrounded by bottles.)
Jim: 0OHN) Good afternoon and welcome to Lords on the
second day of the first test. So far today we've had five hours
batting from England and already they're naught for naught. Cowdrey
is not out naught. Naughton is not in. Knott is in and is naught for
not out. Naughton of Northants got a nasty knock on the nut in the
nets last night but is nothing of note. Next in is Nat Newton of
Notts. Not Nutring - Nutting's at nine, er, Nutring knocked neatie
nighty knock knock...(another commentator nudges him) ...
anyway England have played extremely well for nothing, not a
sausage, in reply to Iceland's first innings total of 722 for 2
declared, scored yesterday disappointingly fast in only twenty-one
overs with lots of wild slogging and boundaries and all sorts of
rubbishy things. But the main thing is that England have made an
absolutely outstanding start so far, Peter?
Peter: Splendid. Just listen to those thighs. And now it's
the North East's turn with the Samba. Brian.
Brian: (he has an enormous nose) Rather. (opens
book) I'm reminded of the story of Gubby Allen in '32. ..
Jim: Oh, shut up or we'll close the bar. And now Bo
Wildeburg is running up to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs up, he bowls to
(Cut to fast bowler. He bowls the ball but the batsman makes
no move whatsoever. The ball passes the off stump.)
Jim: ... and no shot at all. Extremely well not played
Peter: Yes, beautifully not done anything about.
Brian: A superb shot of no kind whatsoever. I well
remember Plum Warner leaving a very similar ball alone in 1732.
Jim: Oh shut up, long nose. (Peter falls off his
chair.) And now it's Bo Wildeburg running in again to bowl to
Cowdrey, he runs in. (bowler bowls us before; ball goes by as
before) He bowls to Cowdrey - and no shot at all, a superb
display of inertia there... And that's the end of the over, and
Peter: Gin and tonic please.
Jim: No, no the players are having drinks. And now, what's
happening? I think Cowdrey's being taken off. (Two men in white
coats, a la furniture removers, so maybe they're brown coats, are
carrying the batsman off. Two men pass them with a green
Chesterfield sofa making for the wicket.) Yes, Cowdrey is being
carried off. Well I never. Now who's in next, it should be number
three, Natt Newton of Notts... get your hand off my thigh, West...
no I don't think it is... I think it's er, it's the sofa ... no it's
the Chesterfield! The green Chesterfield is coming in at number
three to take guard now.
Brian: I well remember a similar divan being brought on at
Headingley in 9 BC against the darkies.
Jim: Oh, shut up, elephant snout. And now the green
Chesterfield has taken guard and Iceland are putting on their spin
dryer to bowl.
(Furniture fielding. The whole pitch is laid out with bits of
furniture in correct positions. Three chairs in the slips; easy
chair keeping wicket; bidet at mid on; TV set at cover; bookcase at
mid off,' roll-top writing desk at square leg; radiator at mid
wicket etc. The spin dryer moves forward and bowls a real ball with
its nozzle to a table, which is at the batting end with cricket pads
on the hits the table on the pad. Appeal.)
Jim: The spin dryer moves back to his mark, it runs out to
the wicket, bowls to the table... a little bit short but it's coming
in a bit there and it's hit him on the pad... and the table is out,
leg before wicket. That is England naught for one.
(Cut to a race course. Furniture comes into shot racing the
last fifty yards to the finishing post.)
Commentator: Well here at Epsom we take up the running
with fifty yards of this mile and a half race to go and it's the
wash basin in the lead from WC Pedestal. Tucked in nicely there is
the sofa going very well with Joanna Southcott's box making a good
run from hat stand on the rails, and the standard lamp is failing
fast but it's wash basin definitely taking up the running now being
strongly pressed by ... At the post it's the wash basin from WC then
sofa, hat stand, standard lamp and lastly Joanna Southcott's box.