Monty Python Scripts'Take Your Pick'The cast:
The sketch:(A simple 'Take Your Pick' style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.) Michael Miles: And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out into the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is? Woman: Yes, yes; Michael Miles: And what's your name? Woman: I go to church regularly. Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening? Woman: I'd like the blow on the head. Michael Miles: The blow on the head. Woman: Just there. Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states? Woman: I don't know that! Michael Miles: Well, have a guess. Woman: Henri Bergson. Michael Miles: Is the correct answer! Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him. Michael Miles: Jolly good. Woman: I don't like darkies. Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is: what is the main food that penguins eat? Woman: Pork luncheon meat. Michael Miles: No. Woman: Spam? Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins. Woman: Penguins? Michael Miles: Yes. Woman: I hate penguins. Michael Miles: No, no, no. Woman: They eat themselves. Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguins eat? Woman: Horses! ... Armchairs! Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Woman: Oh, penguins. Michael Miles: Penguins. Woman: Cannelloni. Michael Miles: No. Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese. Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming) Woman: Ah! Brian Close. Michael Miles: No. no. Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes. Michael Miles: No, no! Woman: Nanette Newman. Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets? Woman: Henri Bergson. Michael Miles: No. Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers. Michael Miles: No, no. Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung. Michael Miles: No, no. Woman: Reginald Maudling. Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head? Woman: Yes, yes. Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye. Woman: No! I want a blow on the head. Michael Miles: A punch in the throat. Woman: No. Michael Miles: All fight then, a kick in the kneecap. Woman: No. Michael Miles: Mrs. Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap. Woman: Er... Voices: Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head! Woman: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head. Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs. Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head. (He strikes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)
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