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Monty Python Scripts

'Take Your Pick'

The cast:

John Cleese
Graham Chapman
Terry Jones

The sketch:

(A simple 'Take Your Pick' style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.)

Michael Miles: And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out into the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?

Woman: Yes, yes;

Michael Miles: And what's your name?

Woman: I go to church regularly.

Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

Woman: I'd like the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: The blow on the head.

Woman: Just there.

Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

Woman: I don't know that!

Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!

Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.

Michael Miles: Jolly good.

Woman: I don't like darkies.

Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is: what is the main food that penguins eat?

Woman: Pork luncheon meat.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Spam?

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

Woman: Penguins?

Michael Miles: Yes.

Woman: I hate penguins.

Michael Miles: No, no, no.

Woman: They eat themselves.

Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguins eat?

Woman: Horses! ... Armchairs!

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

Woman: Oh, penguins.

Michael Miles: Penguins.

Woman: Cannelloni.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.

Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)

Woman: Ah! Brian Close.

Michael Miles: No. no.

Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

Michael Miles: No, no!

Woman: Nanette Newman.

Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: Reginald Maudling.

Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?

Woman: Yes, yes.

Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

Woman: No! I want a blow on the head.

Michael Miles: A punch in the throat.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: All fight then, a kick in the kneecap.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: Mrs. Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.

Woman: Er...

Voices: Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head!

Woman: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs. Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

(He strikes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)

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