Monty Python Scripts

Attila the Nun

The cast:

FIRST VOICE OVER

John Cleese

SECOND VOICE OVER

Michael Palin

DOCTOR

Graham Chapman

MISS NORRIS

Carol Cleveland

The sketch:

(Cut to a country road. After three seconds a motorbike appears in the distance and speeds towards the camera. We see that a wild-looking nun is riding it.)

1st Voice Over: Yes, it's Attila the Nun.

(Attila the Nun flashes past the camera, There is a loud sound of the bike crashing off camera.)

2nd Voice Over: A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.

(Attila the Nun on a hospital bed, struggling wildly with two doctors and a nurse who are trying to hold her down. She looks really fearsome. Another doctor enters and summons the nurse away.)

Doctor: Nurse!

(The camera tracks away and comes up on another bed in which is sitting a beautiful girl revealing more than a patient normally would and endowed with Carol's . . . undoubted attributes. Screens are placed around her. The doctor and nurse come in through the screens.)

Doctor: Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?

Miss Norris: Not too bad, thank you, doctor.

Doctor: Yes, well I think I'd better examine you.

(Cut to a line of half a dozen shabby men in filthy macs down to the floor and caps, who shuffle in through the screens and stand at the foot of the bed leering.)

Miss Norris: What are they doing here?

Doctor: It's all right, they're students. Um... light please, nurse. (a single red spotlight falls down on the girl; cut back to the men leering) Oh... and... er... music, too. (nurse presses a switch beside bed; stripper music; very loud; cut. to line of men getting very exalted - hands deep in pockets) Breathe in ,.. out ... in ... out...

(After about five seconds the music reaches a climax and ends. The men in macs all applaud.)

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