(Cut to reverse angle to show that we are no longer in a
hospital but in a seedy strip club. The curtains have just swished
Compère: Thank you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the
Stripping Doctor. And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the
Peephole Club for the very first time - a very big welcome please
for the Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
(Curtains open. The Compère leaves the stage. A man in city
gent's outfit walks into the spotlight.)
Minister: Good evening. Tonight I'd like to restate our
position on agricultural subsidies, (soft breathy jazzy music
creeps in behind his words and he starts to strip as he talks)
and their effect on our Commonwealth relationships. Now although we
believe, theoretically, in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also
believe in the need for a corresponding import levy to maintain
consumer prices at a realistic level. But this would have the effect
of consolidating our gains of the previous fiscal year, prior to the
entry. But I pledge that should we join the Common Market - even
maintaining the present position on subsidies - we will never
jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with
the Commonwealth countries. A prices structure related to any import
charges will be systematically adjusted to the particular
requirements of our Commonwealth partners (he has now removed all
his clothes apart from a tassel on each nipple and one on the front
of some skin-tight briefs; he starts to revolve the tassels on his
nipples) - so that together we will maintain a positive, and
mutually beneficial alliance in world trade (he turns revealing a
tassel on each buttock which he also revolves) and for world
peace. Thank you and goodnight.
(He removes the last tassel from his G-string with a flourish.
Blackout and curtains quickly close. Compère bounces back on stage.)
Compère: Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for
Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big
welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!
(Burst of Turkish music and curtains swish back as another
bowler-hatted pinstriped minister enters doing a Turkish dance. Cut
to still of Houses of Parliament. Slow track in. Music changes to
impressive patriotic music.)
Voice Over: Yes, today in Britain there is a new wave of
interest in politics and politicians.
(Cut to vox pops outside Houses of Parliament. Caption: 'A
First Girl: Well, we're just in it for the lobbying, you
know. We just love lobbying.
Second Girl: And the debates - you know a good debate ...
is just... fabulous.
Third Girl: Well, I've been going with ministers for five
years now and, you know... 1 think they're wonderful.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes, I like civil servants.
Third Girl: Oh yes, they're nice.
Fifth Girl: I like the Speaker.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes.
Second Girl: I like Black Rod.
Voice Over: What do their parents think?
(Cut to suburban house. Mr. Concrete standing in front of door
of outside loo.)
Mr. Concrete: Well she's broken our hearts, the little
bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here
again I'll kick her teeth in.
(He turns and goes in.)