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Monty Python Scripts

Election Night Special

The cast:

John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Racy music)

First Commentator: (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now let's go straight over to Leicester.

Second Commentator: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.

Third Commentator: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...

First Commentator: Sensible Party

Third Commentator: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...

First Commentator: Silly Party

Third Commentator: ...33,108. (applause)

First Commentator: Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.

Second Commentator: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.

Fourth Commentator: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.

Second Commentator: I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29.

First Commentator: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Third Commentator: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?

First Commentator: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton.

Fourth Commentator: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin- bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuit barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.

Woman: Alan Jones...

First Commentator: Sensible

Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...

First Commentator: Slightly Silly

Woman: Naught. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuit barrel...

First Commentator: Silly

Woman: 12,441. (applause)

First Commentator: Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.

Second Commentator: Well this is a very significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

First Commentator: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.

Third Commentator: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?

Second Commentator: Ho yes, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating).

First Commentator: And do we have the swing at Luton?

Fourth Commentator: Er... no.

First Commentator: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Third Commentator: Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?

First Commentator: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another result.

Second Commentator: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.

Jones: Mrs. Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

First Commentator: Silly

Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...

First Commentator: Sensible

Jones: 26,318...

First Commentator: Very close!

Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith.

First Commentator: Very Silly

Jones: ...two.

First Commentator: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.

Second Commentator: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.

Third Commentator: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?

Neil Innes: Not at all. As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings) A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...

First Commentator: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.

Second Commentator: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.

First Commentator: Right. Er, Colin?

Third Commentator: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?

First Commentator: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm bored!

Second Commentator: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.

Fourth Commentator: Absolute waste of time.

Second Commentator: I wanted to be a gynecologist...

The Album versions continue with Michael Palin moving into the Lumberjack Song...

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