(A large sign saying 'Registry Office ', 'Marriages' etc. A
man is talking to the registrar.)
First Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.
First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.
Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be
a bit of a wrench.
First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary
Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I
have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.
Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church
First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...
Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as
simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.
First Man: I don't want to marry you!
Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise,
First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and
Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your
mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.
First Man: I'm sorry, but...
Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers'
tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned
down several people already.
First Man: Look, I'm already engaged.
Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm
already married. Still we'll get round it.
Second Man: (entering) Good morning. I want to get
Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman,
Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?
Registrar: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir.
Still, if you're keen.
Third Man: (entering) I want to get married,
Registrar: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All
right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.
Third Man: What, those two getting married... Nigel What
are you doing marrying him?
Registrar: He's marrying me first, sir.
Third Man: He's engaged to me.
Fourth Man: (big and butch) Come on, Henry.
Registrar: Blimey, the wife.
Second Man: Will you marry me?
Fourth Man: I'm already married.
(Cut to a photo of all five of them standing happily outside a
Voice Over: Well, things turned out all right in the end,
but you mustn't ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and
living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.