(Music up-- wild applause and cheers from the audience)
Announcer (Michael Palin):
Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you, thank you. Hello good evening and
welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition of the game in
which you can play with *yourself*. (applause) And to start
tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the way from
Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!
(applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape
breaks) 'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now
Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and
is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON!! So,
Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your
husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet,
need never know the name... of your LOVER IN BOLTON!
(applause; organ music. Shot of the organist, who is stark
Thank you Onan! And now: a letter, a hotel registration book, and
a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature
retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director
in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative M.P., so that's
3,000 pounds please Mr. S... thank you... to stop us from revealing:
The name of the three other people involved,
The youth organization to which they belonged,
and The shop where you bought the equipment!
But right now, yes everyone is the moment you've all been waiting
for; it's time for our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules
are very simple. We have taken a film which contains compromising
scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career.
(gasp) But, the victim may 'phone me at any moment, and stop the
film. But remember the money increases as the film goes on,
so-o-o-o: the longer you leave it, the *more* you have to pay!
Tonight, Stop the Film visits the little Thames-side village of
(music--announcer's voice over)
Well, here we go, here we go now, let's see...where's our man. Oh
yes, there he is behind the tree now.... Mm, boy, this is fun, this
is good fun.... He looks respectable, so we should be in for some
real...real chucks here.... A member of the government, could be a
brain surgeon, they're the worst.... wow! Look at the 'size' of
that.....briefcase. Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the
doorbell now.... O-oh, who's the little number with the nightie and
the whip, eh? Heh-heh. Doesn't look like his mother....could be his
sister.... If it is he's in real trouble....
And just look at that, they're upstairs already... whoah, boy,
this is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight. Who-ho-ho!!
This is no Tupperware party! Very brave man, they don't usually get
this far... What's--what's that, what's she's doing to his.....is
that a CHICKEN up there? No, no, it's just the way she's holding the
grapefruit... Whoah, ho ho...
('Phone rings; buzzer goes off; film stops. Applause)
(picking up 'phone)
Hello sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that
was...what? No, no, sir, it's alright, we don't morally censor, we
just want the money. Thank you sir, yes,....what?
You.....okay....Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice
indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye-bye.
Well, that's all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next
week, same time, same channel....Join me, two dogs, and a vicar,
when we'll be playing "Pedorasto", the game for all the family.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...