Toastmaster: Gentlemen, pray silence for the President of
the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things.
(There is much upperclass applause and banging on the table as
Sir William rises to his feet.)
Sir William: I thank you, gentlemen. The year has been a
good one for the Society (hear, hear). This year our members
have put more things on top of other things than ever before. But, I
should warn you, this is no time for complacency. No, there are
still many things, and I cannot emphasize this too strongly, not on
top of other things. I myself, on my way here this evening, saw a
thing that was not on top of another thing in any way. (shame!)
Shame indeed but we must not allw ourselves to become too
despondent. For, we must never forget that if there was not one
thing that was not on top of another thing our society would be
nothing more than a meaningless body of men that had gathered
together for no good purpose. But we flourish. This year our
Australasian members and the various organizations affiliated to our
Australasian branches put no fewer than twenty-two things on top of
other things. (applause) Well done all of you. But there is
one cloud on the horizon. In this last year our Staffordshire branch
has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another (shame!).
Therefore I call upon our Staffordshire delegate to explain this
(As Sir William sits a meek man met at one of the side
Mr. Cutler: Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um ... well, Mr.
Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire
feel... the whole thing's a bit silly.
(Cries of outrage. Chairman leaps to feet.)
Sir William: Silly SILLY!! (he pauses and thinks)
Silly! I suppose it is, a bit. What have we been doing wasting our
lives with all this nonsense (hear, hear). Right, okay, meeting
adjourned for ever.
(He gets right up and walks away from the table to approving
noises and applause. He walks to a door at the side of the studio
set and goes through it. Exterior shot: a door opens and Sir William
appears out of it into the fresh air. He suddenly halts.)
Sir William: Good Lord. I'm on film. How did that happen?
(He turns round and disappears into the building again. He
reappears through door, crosses set and goes out through another
door. Exterior.' he appears from the door into the fresh air and
Sir William: It's film again. What's going on?
(He turns and disappears through the door again. Cut to him
inside the building. He crosses to a window and looks out, then
turns and says...)
Sir William: Gentlemen! I have bad news. This room is
surrounded by film.
Members: What! What!
(Several members run to window and look out. Cut to film of
them looking out of window. Cut to studio: the members run to a door
and open it. Cut to film: of them appearing at the door hesitating
and then closing door. Cut to studio: with increasing panic they run
to the second door. Cut to film: they appear, hesitate, and go back
inside. Cut to studio: they run to Sir William in the centre of the
A Member: We're trapped!
Sir William: Don't panic, we'll get out of this.
A Member: How?
Sir William: We'll tunnel our way out.
Barnes: Good thinking, sir. I'll get the horse.
Sir William: Okay Captain, you detail three men, start
digging and load them up with cutlery, and then we'll have a rota,
we'll have two hours digging, two hours vaulting and then two hours
(Barnes and others carry a vaulting hone into shot. The
members start vaulting over it Two Gestapo officers walk by.)
Mr. Cutler: All right, Medwin, lees see you get over that
horse. Pick your feet up, Medwin. Come on, boy!
1st German Officer: Ze stupid English. Zey are prisoners
and all they do is the sport.
2nd German Officer: One thing worries me, Fritz.
1st German Officer: Ja?
2nd German Officer: Where's the traditional cheeky and
lovable Cockney sergeant?
Sergeant: (donning tin helmet) Cheer up, Fritz, it
may never happen (sing) Maybe its because I'm a Londoner...
2nd German Officer: Good. Everything seems to be in order.
(The Gestapo officers leave. Mr. Cutler runs up to Sir
Mr. Cutler: Colonel! I've just found another exit, sir.
Sir William: Okay, quickly, run this way.
Everyone: If we could run that way . .. (he stops them
with a finger gesture) sorry.
(ANIMATION: A bleak landscape. A large foot with a Victorian
lady on top of it comes hopping past. A door in a building opens and
the society members (real people superimposed) run out, along the
cartoon, and disappear, falling into nothingness. Cut to section of
an esophagus. The members (now animated cut-outs) fall down it into
a stomach where they are joined by various large vegetables. Pull
back to show that this is a cutaway view of an Edwardian gentleman.
Animation Voice: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, excuse me.
(He moves through a door marked 'gents'. We hear a lavatory
flushing. Cut to linkman at table.)
Linkman: Ah, hello. Well they certainly seem to be in a
tight spot, and I spot... our next item - so let's get straight on
with the fun and go over to the next item - or dish! Ha, ha!