Monty Python Scripts

Chemist Sketch / Words Not to Be Used Again

The cast:

CHEMIST

John Cleese

VOICE OVER

Eric Idle

BBC MAN

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Cut to the five Gumbys standing in a tight group.)

Gumbys: Thank you. And now a sketch about a chemist called The Chemist Sketch.

(A number of men and women are sitting around in an area by the counter where there is a large sign saying 'Dispensing Department'. A cheerful chemist appears at the counter.)

Chemist: (JOHN) Right. I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er, who's got the pox? (nobody reacts) ... Come on, who's got the pox ... come on... (a man timidly puts his hand up) . .. there you go. (throws bottle to the man with his hand up) Who's got a boil on the bum... boil on the botty. (throws bottle to the only man standing up) Who's got the chest rash? (a woman with a large bosom puts up hand) Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got wind? (throws bottle to a man sitting on his own) Catch.

(Caption on the screen: 'THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY')

Voice Over: The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, bony or wee-wees. (laughs off camera) Ssssh!

(Cut to a man standing by a screen with a clicker.)

BBC Man: These are the words that are not to be used again on this program.

(He clicks the clicker. On screen appear the following slides:

B*M

B*TTY

P*X

KN*CKERS

W**-W**

SEMPRINI

(A girl comes into shot.)

Girl: Semprini!?

BBC Man: (pointing) Out!

(Cut back to the chemist's shop. The chemist appears again.)

Chemist: Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then?

(A policeman appears .and bundles him off.)

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