(Scene: Another chemist's shop with a different chemist
standing at the counter. A superimposed caption on the screen: 'A
LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S' A man walks in.)
Man: Good morning.
Chemist: Good morning, sir.
Man: Good morning. I'd like some aftershave, please.
Chemist: Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.
Man: If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.
(The policeman runs into the shop and hauls the man off. Cut
to shop again. Caption on screen: 'A NOT AT ALL NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S'
Another chemist is standing with a large sign reading 'A Not At All
Naughty Chemist'. Pull back to reveal sign above stock reads 'Not At
All Naughty Chemists Ltd'. A man enters.)
Man: Good morning.
Chemist: (puts down sign) Good morning, sir. Can I
Man: Yes. I'd like some aftershave.
Chemist: Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t... Would you
like to try this, sir. It's our very very latest, it's called Sea
Man: (sniffs it) I quite like it.
Chemist: How about something a little more musky? This
one's called Mimmo.
Man: Not really, no. Have you anything a little more
Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t...
Man: Like halibut or sea bass.
Chemist: Or bream?
Chemist: No, we haven't got any of that... ah, I've got
mackerel... or cod... or hake...
Man: You haven't got anything a little more halibutish?
Chemist: Er... parrot? What's that doing there? Or skate
with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.
Man: I really had my heart set on halibut.
Chemist: Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this
morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come
up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was
halibut... or... ?
Man: Sea bass.
Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment.
(The man waits for a few seconds, starts becoming
uncomfortable, looks at watch, hums.)
Man: (to camera) Sorry about this... pore pom
pore... Normally we try to avoid these little ... pauses ...
longeurs... only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you
see. 'Come, there isn't really a basement but he just goes off and
we pretend... Actually what happens is he goes off there, off
camera, and just waits there so it looks as though he's gone down
... to the basement. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah!
(Long shot of the chemist with canon waiting off camera. Floor
manager cues him and he walks to counter.)
Chemist: Well, sorry, sir. (out of breath) Lot of
steps. (man winks at camera) Well, I'm afraid it didn't come
in this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington
branch. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.
Man: How long will that be?
Chemist: Twenty minutes.
Man: Twenty minutes!
(As he stands getting embarrassed, a girl hastily dressed as
an assistant approaches him and hands him a message on a long
Man: Oh... I wonder what other people use for aftershave
(Cut to vox pops film.)
First Gumby: I use a body rub called Halitosis to make my
breath seem sweet.
Second Gumby: I use an aftershave called Semprini.
(He is hauled off by policeman.)
Chemist: (hurrying Past) I'm sorry, sorry - can't
stop now, I've got to get to Kensington.
Cardinal Ximinez: I use two kinds of aftershave lotions -
Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions,
Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion.
Another Man: I have a cold shower every morning just
before I go mad, and then I go mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4...
Shabby: I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin
nice and scaly.
Chemist: (hurrying Past) Sorry again. Can't stop -
got to get back.
(Cut back to chemist's where the man is at a clock on wall
pushing minute hand round twenty minutes. He looks at the camera
guiltily and returns to right side of counter. The chemist enters.)
Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our
Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.
Man: Where's that?
Chemist: It's all fight. Wait here ... I've got a car.
Man: No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger
Chemist: Almond requisite... t... t... ?
Man: I'll take it.
(The chemist turns his back. A shoplifter enters. There is two
men inside a large mac. He has false arms behind his back a la Duke
of Edinburgh. The man watches him. He strolls to the counter and
then two arms come out of coat and grab things from counter taking
them inside the coat. Then these two arms are joined by a third arm
which is black. All these arms steal stuff. The man taps the chemist
and points at shoplifter. Chemist watches and then blows whistle.
They wait for a tick. Then the policeman runs into the shop.)