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Monty Python Scripts


The cast:

Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Michael Palin
Michael Palin
John Cleese
Michael Palin
Graham Chapman
Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Scene: Another chemist's shop with a different chemist standing at the counter. A superimposed caption on the screen: 'A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S' A man walks in.)

Man: Good morning.

Chemist: Good morning, sir.

Man: Good morning. I'd like some aftershave, please.

Chemist: Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.

Man: If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.

(The policeman runs into the shop and hauls the man off. Cut to shop again. Caption on screen: 'A NOT AT ALL NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S' Another chemist is standing with a large sign reading 'A Not At All Naughty Chemist'. Pull back to reveal sign above stock reads 'Not At All Naughty Chemists Ltd'. A man enters.)

Man: Good morning.

Chemist: (puts down sign) Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Man: Yes. I'd like some aftershave.

Chemist: Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t... Would you like to try this, sir. It's our very very latest, it's called Sea Mist.

Man: (sniffs it) I quite like it.

Chemist: How about something a little more musky? This one's called Mimmo.

Man: Not really, no. Have you anything a little more fishier?

Chemist: Fishier?

Man: Fishier.

Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t...

Man: Like halibut or sea bass.

Chemist: Or bream?

Man: Yes.

Chemist: No, we haven't got any of that... ah, I've got mackerel... or cod... or hake...

Man: You haven't got anything a little more halibutish?

Chemist: Er... parrot? What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.

Man: I really had my heart set on halibut.

Chemist: Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was halibut... or... ?

Man: Sea bass.

Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment.

(The man waits for a few seconds, starts becoming uncomfortable, looks at watch, hums.)

Man: (to camera) Sorry about this... pore pom pore... Normally we try to avoid these little ... pauses ... longeurs... only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 'Come, there isn't really a basement but he just goes off and we pretend... Actually what happens is he goes off there, off camera, and just waits there so it looks as though he's gone down ... to the basement. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah!

(Long shot of the chemist with canon waiting off camera. Floor manager cues him and he walks to counter.)

Chemist: Well, sorry, sir. (out of breath) Lot of steps. (man winks at camera) Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington branch. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.

Man: How long will that be?

Chemist: Twenty minutes.

Man: Twenty minutes!

(As he stands getting embarrassed, a girl hastily dressed as an assistant approaches him and hands him a message on a long stick.)

Man: Oh... I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion?

(Cut to vox pops film.)

First Gumby: I use a body rub called Halitosis to make my breath seem sweet.

Second Gumby: I use an aftershave called Semprini.

(He is hauled off by policeman.)

Chemist: (hurrying Past) I'm sorry, sorry - can't stop now, I've got to get to Kensington.

Cardinal Ximinez: I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ....

Another Man: I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad, and then I go mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4...

Shabby: I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.

Chemist: (hurrying Past) Sorry again. Can't stop - got to get back.

(Cut back to chemist's where the man is at a clock on wall pushing minute hand round twenty minutes. He looks at the camera guiltily and returns to right side of counter. The chemist enters.)

Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.

Man: Where's that?

Chemist: Aberdeen.

Man: Aberdeen?

Chemist: It's all fight. Wait here ... I've got a car.

Man: No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger and...

Chemist: Almond requisite... t... t... ?

Man: I'll take it.

(The chemist turns his back. A shoplifter enters. There is two men inside a large mac. He has false arms behind his back a la Duke of Edinburgh. The man watches him. He strolls to the counter and then two arms come out of coat and grab things from counter taking them inside the coat. Then these two arms are joined by a third arm which is black. All these arms steal stuff. The man taps the chemist and points at shoplifter. Chemist watches and then blows whistle. They wait for a tick. Then the policeman runs into the shop.)

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