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Monty Python Scripts

How to Give Up Being a Mason

The cast:

Eric Idle
John Cleese

The sketch:

First Voice Over: What other ways are there of recognizing a mason?

(Shot from camera concealed in a tar so we get reactions of passers-by. A busy city street- i.e. Threadneedle Street. In amongst the throng four city gents are leaping along with their trousers round their ankles. They are wearing bowler hats and pinstripes. Another city street or another part of the same street. Two city gents, with trousers rolled up to the knee, approach each other and go into the most extraordinary handshake which involves rolling on the floor etc.)

Second Voice Over: Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. Having accomplished that it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate Masonic tendencies through the use of behavioral psychotherapy. (we see a cartoon city gent locked into a cell) In this treatment the patient is rewarded for the correct response and punished for the wrong one. Let us begin. Would you like to give up being a mason? Think carefully. Think. Think.

Cartoon City Gent: No.

(A large hammer attacks the city gent.)

Second Voice Over: No?! That's wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! No! No! Bad!...

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