(A group of Gumbys shuffle into extreme left edge of frame.
They do not move any further into the picture. After a bit of
humming and hawing:)
Gumbys: Oh! And the next item is a sketch about insurance
called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'...
(Cut to Mr. Devious's insurance office. Devious: and a man are
Devious: What do you want?
Man: Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive
motor insurance policy offer...
Devious: What was that?
Man: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eight
Devious: Oh, oh, yes ... yeah well, unfortunately, guv,
that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be
economically viable, so we now have a totally new offer...
Man: What's that?
Devious: A nude lady.
Man: A nude lady?
Devious: Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully
comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has
to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...
Man: No, no, I don't really want that, Mr. er... Mr...
Man: Mr. Devious, I just want to know what it would cost
me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin,
Devious: Aston Martin?
Devious: (quickly) Five hundred quid.
Man: Five hundred quid?
Devious: Forty quid.
Man: Forty quid?
Devious: Forty quid and a nude lady.
Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.
Devious: Dirty books?
Man: No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. I
just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully
comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote
me your price.
(Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.)
Vicar: Knock knock.
(Cut to inside office)
Devious: Who's there?
(Cut to outside.)
Vicar: The Reverend...
(Cut to inside.)
Devious: The Reverend who?
Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.
(Cut to inside.)
Devious: Oh, come in.
(The vicar enters.)
Devious: Now then, vic. What's the trouble?
Vicar: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.
Man: Excuse me, do I have any more lines?
Devious: I don't know, mush, I'll have a look in the
script... (he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show
8. Are you 'man'?
Devious: No... no, you've finished.
Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)
Devious: (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.
(The vicar sits.)
Vicar: It's about this letter you sent me regarding my
Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that
we're not... as yet ... totally satisfied with the grounds of your
Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in
Devious: Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.
Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the
garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
Devious: (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet)
Oh well, Reverend Morrison ... in your policy... in your policy...
(he opens the drawer of the filing cabins and takes out a shabby
old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumpled
dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the
filing cabinet).... here we are. It states quite clearly that no
claim you make will be paid.
Vicar: Oh dear.
Devious: You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay'
policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile ...
but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.
Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.
Devious: Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the
Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)
Devious: Look... Rev... I hate to see a man cry, so shove
off out 't office. There's a good chap.
(The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a
nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley... and wheels
her disconsolately away. Cut back to inside of office. Close-up on
Devious. He gets out some files and starts writing. Suddenly a
bishop's crook slams down on the desk in front of Devious. He looks
up - his eyes register terror. Cut to reverse angle shot from below.
The bishop in full miter and robes.)
Bishop: OK, Devious... Don't move!
Devious: The bishop!