Monty Python Scripts

Girls Boarding School

The cast:

FIRST VOICE OVER

Eric Idle

FIRST BUTCH VOICE

Michael Palin

SECOND BUTCH VOICE

Eric Idle

THIRD BUTCH VOICE

Terry Jones

FOURTH BUTCH VOICE

Graham Chapman

FIFTH BUTCH VOICE

John Cleese

MISS ROGERS

Carol Cleveland

SECOND VOICE OVER

John Cleese

The sketch:

1st Voice Over: And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.

(Noise of female snores. Sound of a window sash being lifted and scrabbling sounds. Padding feet across the dorm.)

First Butch Voice: Hello, Agnes... Agnes are you awake? Agnes....

(Sound of waking up. More padding feet.)

First Butch Voice: Agnes...

Second Butch Voice: Who is it ... is that you, Charlie?

First Butch Voice: Yeah... Agnes, where's Jane?

Third Butch Voice: I'm over here, Charlie.

First Butch Voice: Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.

Second Butch Voice: Oh good oh ... count me in, girls.

First Butch Voice: Can I come, too, Agnes?

First Butch Voice: Yeah, Joyce.

Fifth Butch Voice: And me and Avril...

Third Butch Voice: Yeah, rather... and Suki.

Fourth Butch Voice: Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.

First Butch Voice: Cave girls... Here comes Miss Rodgers...

(Light goes on to reveal a girls' dorm. In the middle of the floor between the beds are two panto geese which run off immediately the light goes on. There is one man in a string vest and short dibley haircut, chest wig, schoolgirl's skirt, white socks and schoolgirl's shoes. Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot. In the beds are other batch blokes in string vests... and short hair. At the door stands a commando-type Miss Rodgers.)

Miss Rodgers: All right girls, now stop this tomfoolery and get back to bed, remember it's the big match at St Bridget's tomorrow.

(Cut to still of one of us in the uniform as described above.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE NAUGHTIEST GIRL IN THE SCHOOL'

Voice Over: Yes, on your Screen tomorrow: 'The Naughtiest Girl in the School' starring the men of the 14th Marine Commandos. (cut to a picture made up of inch-square photos of various topical subjects e.g. Stalin, Churchill, Eden, White Home, atom bomb, map of Western Europe, Gandhi) And now it's documentary time, when we look at the momentous last years of the Second World War, and tonight the invasion of Normandy performed by the girls of Oakdene High School, Upper Fifth Science.

(Stock film of amphibious craft brought up on a beach. The front of the craft crashes down and fifty soldiers rush out. We hear schoolgirl voices.)

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