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Monty Python Scripts


The cast:

Graham Chapman
Eric Idle
John Cleese
Terry Jones
Michael Palin
Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Cut to traditional shot through periscope of ocean, cross-sights scanning the horizon. Submarine-type dramatic noise - motors and asdic. Cut to interior of submarine. A pepperpot looks through the periscope, then looks round at her colleagues.)

First Pepperpot: Oh, it's still raining.

(Her four companions continue to knit.)

Second Pepperpot: I'm going down the shops.

First Pepperpot: Oh, be a dear and get me some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.

Second Pepperpot: Aye, aye, captain. (goes out)

(Attention noise from the communication tube. A red light flashes by it.)

Voice: Coo-ee. Torpedo bay.

First Pepperpot: Yoo-hoo. Torpedo bay.

Third Pepperpot: She said torpedo bay.

First Pepperpot: Yes, she did, she did.

Fourth Pepperpot: Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she did.

Voice: Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube.

First Pepperpot: Roger, Mrs. Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

All: Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

First Pepperpot: Red alert, put the kettle on.

Voice: Kettle on.

First Pepperpot: Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.

Voice: Standing by to feed the cat.

First Pepperpot: Fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

(ANIMATION: a pepperpot is fired from a torpedo tube through the water, until she travels head first into a battleship with a load clang.)

Mrs. Nesbitt: Oh, that's much better.

(Cut to a letter as in the last series, plus voice reading it.)

Voice Over: As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks...

(Cut to a man at a desk.)

Presenter: I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.

(Cut to man with a stone through his head. He bows. Cut to film of Women's Institute applauding.)

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