(Cut to traditional shot through periscope of ocean,
cross-sights scanning the horizon. Submarine-type dramatic noise -
motors and asdic. Cut to interior of submarine. A pepperpot looks
through the periscope, then looks round at her colleagues.)
First Pepperpot: Oh, it's still raining.
(Her four companions continue to knit.)
Second Pepperpot: I'm going down the shops.
First Pepperpot: Oh, be a dear and get me some rats' bane
for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.
Second Pepperpot: Aye, aye, captain. (goes out)
(Attention noise from the communication tube. A red light
flashes by it.)
Voice: Coo-ee. Torpedo bay.
First Pepperpot: Yoo-hoo. Torpedo bay.
Third Pepperpot: She said torpedo bay.
First Pepperpot: Yes, she did, she did.
Fourth Pepperpot: Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she
Voice: Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's
got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube.
First Pepperpot: Roger, Mrs. Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs.
All: Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.
First Pepperpot: Red alert, put the kettle on.
Voice: Kettle on.
First Pepperpot: Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.
Voice: Standing by to feed the cat.
First Pepperpot: Fire Mrs. Nesbitt.
(ANIMATION: a pepperpot is fired from a torpedo tube through
the water, until she travels head first into a battleship with a
Mrs. Nesbitt: Oh, that's much better.
(Cut to a letter as in the last series, plus voice reading
Voice Over: As an admiral who came up through the ranks
more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband
O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our
modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most
attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those
white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert
(Cut to a man at a desk.)
Presenter: I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more
of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his
(Cut to man with a stone through his head. He bows. Cut to
film of Women's Institute applauding.)