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Monty Python Scripts

Stonehenge / Mr. Attila the Hun

The cast:

Terry Jones
Graham Chapman
John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle
Michael Palin
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Cut to police dancing round Stonehenge a burglar is bound to a stone altar. Mix to picture of same thing in newspaper which is bring read by a chief constable in his office.)

Chief Constable: Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.

Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim-fitting ladies evening gown, diamante handbag and helmet.

Sergeant: I know, sir.

(Intercom buzzer goes on desk.)

Chief Constable: (depressing knob) Yes, Beryl?

Beryl: (male voice) Attila the Hun to see you, sir.

Chief Constable: Who?

Beryl: Attila the Hun, sir.

Chief Constable: Oh botherkins! Er, constable, go and see to him will you?

Sergeant: What! In this dress?

Chief Constable: Oh all fight, I'll go.

Sergeant: Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wear...

Chief Constable: No, no, no, I'll go. You stay here.

Sergeant: Oh goody! I can get on with the ironing.

(The chief constable walks through the door into the reception area of the police station. There is a policeman behind the counter and a little insignificant man is standing waiting.)

Chief Constable: (to policeman) Right where is he?

Beryl: Over there, sir.

Chief Constable: Right, er, all fight sergeant leave this to me. Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun.

Attila the Hun: That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.

Chief Constable: Yes well, Mr. Hun ...

Attila: Oh! Call me 'The', for heaven's sake!

Chief Constable: Oh well, The... what do you want to see us about?

Attila: I've come to give myself up.

Chief Constable: What for?

Attila: Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.

Chief Constable: I beg your pardon?

Attila: Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city, and I'd like nine thousand other charges to be taken into consideration, please.

Chief Constable: I say, excuse me, Mr. Hun. (he takes his hat off, removes his moustache, puts it in the hat and puts the hat back on) Have you any objection to taking a breath test?

Attila: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Chief Constable: Right, er, sergeant will you bring the Hunalyser, please?

(The constable produces a breathalyzer.)

Beryl: Here we are, sir.

(Hands it to the chief constable.)

Chief Constable: Er, how's it work?

Beryl: Well he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green. Then he is Attila the Hun, sir.

Chief Constable: I see. Right. Would you mind breathing into this Mr Hun?

Attila: Right. (blows into bag)

Chief Constable: What if nothing happens, sergeant?

Beryl: He's Alexander the Great!

Chief Constable: Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr A. T. Great!

Attila: (who is now Alexander the Great) Oh curses! Curses! I thought I was safe, disguised as Attila the Hun.

Chief Constable: Oh perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake... you see, this wasn't a Hunalyser... it was an Alexander the Greatalyser Take him away, Beryl!

(Cut to letter)

First Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next letter.

(Cut to second letter.)

Second Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter, before my drift has become apparent. I spent many years in India during the last war and am now a part-time notice board in a prominent public school. Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue (deceased). PS Aghhh!

(Cut to third letter.)

Third Voice Over: Dear Sir, When I was at. school, I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes, and it never did me any harm -except for psychological maladjusunent and blurred vision. Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein (Mrs).

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