Monty Python Scripts

Psychiatry - Silly Sketch

The cast:

RECEPTIONIST

Carol Cleveland

PSYCHIATRIST

John Cleese

PHELPS

Terry Jones

NOTLOB

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Animation link runs into a psychiatrist's consulting room. The psychiatrist at his desk. The door opens and a receptionist looks in.)

Receptionist: Dr Larch ... there's a Mr. Phelps to see you.

Psychiatrist: Er, nurse!

Receptionist: Yes?

Psychiatrist: (whispering) Er, you don't think you should make it clear that I'm a psychiatrist

Receptionist: What?

Psychiatrist: Well, I could be any type of doctor.

Receptionist: Well I can't come in and say Psychiatrist Latch' or 'Dr Larch who is a psychiatrist'. Oh, anyway look, its written on the door.

Psychiatrist: (still whispering) That's outside.

Receptionist: Well, I don't care, you'll just have to do it yourself. (she leaves)

Psychiatrist: (goes 'brr brr', then picks up phone) Hello. Er, no, wrong number I'm afraid, this is a psychiatrist speaking. Next please. (knock at the door) Er, come in.

(Phelps comes in dressed as Napoleon, with a parrot on his head, and a lead with nothing on it.)

Phelps: Bow, wow, wow.

Psychiatrist: Ah Mr. Phelps. Come on in, take a seat. Now what seems to be the matter?

Phelps: No, no, no. No. No.

Psychiatrist: I'm sorry?

Phelps: Oh can't you do better than that? I mean it's so predictable I've seen it a million times. Knock, knock, knock come in, ah Mr. Phelps take a seat. I've seen it and seen it.

Psychiatrist: Well look will you please sit down and do your first line.

Phelps: No. No. I've had enough. I've had enough. (he exits)

Psychiatrist: I can't even get it started.

Phelps: (off) Albatross!

Psychiatrist: Shut up! Oh it drives me mad.

(Cut to a man in limbo: Mr. Notlob.)

Notlob: A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new.

(Cut back to the psychiatrist.)

Psychiatrist: Next please.

(Knocking at door. Psychiatrist is about to call when he picks up a thesaurus and thumbs through it.)

Psychiatrist: Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress, gain admittance, infiltrate. (Notlob enters in an ordinary suit) Ah Mr. Notlob, ah park your hips, on the sitting device.

Notlob: (to camera) It is a mad psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist: I'm not. I'm not. Come on in. Take a seat. What's, what's the matter?

(Cut to Napoleon in limbo; he blows a raspberry.)

Psychiatrist: Now what's the matter?

Notlob: Well I keep hearing guitars playing and people singing when there's no one around.

Psychiatrist: Yes, well this is not at all uncommon. In certain mental states we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most ... (he steps suddenly and listens; the sound of 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow' is heard) Is that 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow'?

Notlob: Yes. Yes.

Psychiatrist: Is it always that?

Notlob: No.

Psychiatrist: Well that's something.

Notlob: But it's mainly folk songs.

Psychiatrist: (concerned) Oh my God.

Notlob: Last night I had 'I'll never fall in love again' for six hours.

Psychiatrist: Well look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this. I want you to see a colleague of mine, a specialist in these sort of things, who has an office very much like this one as a matter of fact.

(Sketch continues... with the Operating Theatre (Squatters sketch.)

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