Monty Python Scripts

'Probe-around' on Crime

The cast:

FIRST INTERVIEWER

John Cleese

SECOND INTERVIEWER

Eric Idle

FIRST POLICEMAN

Terry Jones

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR ORGANS

Michael Palin

SECOND POLICEMAN

John Cleese

The sketch:

('Panorama' music and still photos of policemen in tutus. Caption on the screen: 'PROBE AROUND' Cut to interviewer at desk of 'Panorama' type set-up.)

First Interviewer: Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at crime...

(A shot rings out and he slumps forward. A second interviewer runs into shot from behind camera with smoking gun.)

Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about that, but I always introduce this program, not him. (he pushes the first interviewer off his chair with his foot and takes his place) Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at Crime. Is it true that the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?

(Cut to close-up of a constable reading big book. He is very, very, very stupid.)

Policeman: Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.

(Cut back to interviewer.)

Second Interviewer: With me now is Inspector Harry H 'Snapper' Organs of 'H' Division.

(Cut to another part of the 'Panorama' set. Dotcalve Inspeaor Organs is sitting next to a Viking.)

Organs: Good evening.

(Cut back to interviewer and hereafter cross cut between them.)

Interviewer: Er, Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic in the Police Force?

Organs: That is correct. (as he speaks we notice he is sticking pins into a model of a burglar) The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our lads, with a fair training in the black arts can scare the fertilizer out of them.

Interviewer: Just how are the police combatling the increase with the use of the occult? Ex-King Zog of Albania reports ...(phone rings) Well we seem to have lost ex-King Zog there, but who cares. Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing into their crime prevention techniques?

(Cut to four chief constables huddled round an Ouija board. The have their fingers on a tumbler which moves slowly from one letter to the next.)

Policemen: U-P Y-O-U-R-S.

Second Policeman: Up yours? What a rude Ouija board!

(Cut to more film: policeman with wanat By pointing the wand at illegally parked cars he makes them disappear. Another policeman on the pavement helping an old lady across road He looks to see if the road is clear, waves his wand and she jumps across to other side. Another street: a police siren is heard then five policemen on broom sticks appear from round comer and disappear across frame.)

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