('Panorama' music and still photos of policemen in tutus.
Caption on the screen: 'PROBE AROUND' Cut to interviewer at desk of
'Panorama' type set-up.)
First Interviewer: Yes, tonight 'Probe Around'
takes a look at crime...
(A shot rings out and he slumps forward. A second interviewer
runs into shot from behind camera with smoking gun.)
Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about that, but I
always introduce this program, not him. (he pushes the first
interviewer off his chair with his foot and takes his place)
Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at Crime. Is it true that
the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can
the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever
he wants to? Just what are the police up to?
(Cut to close-up of a constable reading big book. He is very,
very, very stupid.)
Policeman: Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter
Pan first manifests himself.
(Cut back to interviewer.)
Second Interviewer: With me now is Inspector
Harry H 'Snapper' Organs of 'H' Division.
(Cut to another part of the 'Panorama' set. Dotcalve Inspeaor
Organs is sitting next to a Viking.)
Organs: Good evening.
(Cut back to interviewer and hereafter cross cut between
Interviewer: Er, Inspector, I believe you are
encouraging magic in the Police Force?
Organs: That is correct. (as he speaks we
notice he is sticking pins into a model of a burglar) The
criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind
is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears
abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our
lads, with a fair training in the black arts can scare the
fertilizer out of them.
Interviewer: Just how are the police combatling
the increase with the use of the occult? Ex-King Zog of Albania
reports ...(phone rings) Well we seem to have lost ex-King
Zog there, but who cares. Just what kinds of magic are the police
introducing into their crime prevention techniques?
(Cut to four chief constables huddled round an Ouija board.
The have their fingers on a tumbler which moves slowly from one
letter to the next.)
Policemen: U-P Y-O-U-R-S.
Second Policeman: Up yours? What a rude Ouija
(Cut to more film: policeman with wanat By pointing the wand
at illegally parked cars he makes them disappear. Another policeman
on the pavement helping an old lady across road He looks to see if
the road is clear, waves his wand and she jumps across to other
side. Another street: a police siren is heard then five policemen on
broom sticks appear from round comer and disappear across frame.)