Monty Python Scripts

Albatross!

The cast:

MAN

John Cleese

CUSTOMER

Terry Jones

FIRST VOICE OVER

Eric Idle

SECOND VOICE OVER

Terry Gilliam

The sketch:

(Cut to corner of cinema. A man in an ice-cream girl's uniform is standing in a spotlight with an ice-cream tray with an albatross on it.)

Man: Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!

(A customer approaches him.)

Customer: Two choc-ices please.

Man: I haven't got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!

Customer: What flavor is it?

Man: It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavor. Albatross!

Customer: Do you get wafers with it?

Man: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it. Albatross!

Customer: How much is it?

Man: Ninepence.

Customer: I'll have two please.

Man: Gannet on a stick.

(The camera zooms past back onto the screen. On screen appears another 'Intermission' sign.)

First Voice Over: There will now be a very short...

(The intermission sign explodes.)

We now see a series on animated captions:

'NOW SHOWING AT OTHER DANK CINEMAS'
'AT THE PORTNOY CINEMA PICCADILLY'
'WINNER OF THE GOLDEN PALM, TORREMOLINOS'
'RAINWEAR THROUGH THE AGES'
'COMING SOON'
'AT THE JODRELL CINEMA, COCKFOSTERS'

Second Voice Over: The management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening as it eats into the profits'

(Cut to the Queen on horseback; first few bars of National Anthem. Cut to Customer sitting in cinema seat clutching albatross.)

Customer: Well that's quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdeans ... Albatross!

Monty Python Scripts

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