(Sketch open with a still a of beautiful country home. 'Hearts
of Oak' type music. The camera tracks into the house and mixes to:
close-up of distinguished, noble father and gay, innocent beautiful
daughter - a delicately beautiful English rose.)
Father: Now I understand that you want to marry my
(Pull out to reveal that he is addressing a ghastly thing.' a
grubby, smelly, brown mackintoshed shambles, unshaven with a
continuous hacking cough, and an obscene leer. He sits on the sofa
in this beautiful elegant lounge.)
Shabby: (sniffing and coughing) That's right ...
Father: Yes, you realize of course that Rosaround is still
Rosamund: Daddy you make me feel like a child. (she
gazes at Shabby fondly)
Shabby: (lasciviously) Oh yeah ... you know... get
'em when they're young eh... eh! OOOOH! Know what I mean eh, oooh!
(makes obscene gesture involving elbow)
Father: Well I'm sure you know what I mean, Mr. ... er...
Mr... er .. er?
Shabby: Shabby... Ken Shabby...
Father: Mr. Shabby... I just want to make sure that you'll
be able to look after my daughter...
Shabby: Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all
fight sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh!
Father: And, er, what job do you do?
Shabby: I clean out public lavatories.
Father: Is there promotion involved?
Shabby: Oh yeah, yeah. (produces handkerchief and clean
throat horribly into it) After five years they give me a brush
... eurggha eurgh ... I'm sorry squire, I've gobbed on your
Father: And, ah, where are you going to live?
Shabby: Well round at my gran's... she trains polecats,
but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare
room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!
Father: And when do you expect to get married?
Shabby: Oh, fight away sport. Right away... you know... I
haven't had it for weeks...
Father: Well look I'll phone the bishop and see if we can
get the Abbey...
Shabby: Oh, diarrhea. (coughing fit)
(Cut to strange photo caption sequence to be worked out with
Terry 'the sap' Gilliam)
Voice Over: The story so far: Rosamund's father has become
ensnared by Mr. Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. Bob and
Janet have eaten Mr. Farquar's goldfish during an Oxfam lunch, and
Mrs. Elsmore's marriage is threatened by Doug's insistence that he
is on a different level of consciousness. Louise's hernia has been
confirmed, and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of the
'Lancet' on his way to see Jenny, a freelance Pagoda designer. On
the other side of the continent Napoleon still broods over the
smoldering remains of a city he had crossed half the earth to