(A girl in bra and pants goes over to television and switches
Voice Over: ... whilst Mary, Roger's half-sister, settles
down to watch television...
(On the screen comes the start of a Party Political Broadcast,
complete with caption: 'A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE
Voice Over: There now follows a Party Political Broadcast
on behalf of the Wood Party.
(Cut to a traditional grey-suited man at desk looking straight
into camera. Superimposed caption: 'THE RT. HON. LAMBERT WARBECK')
Minister: Good evening. We in the Wood Party feel very
strongly that the present weak drafting of the Local Government Bill
leaves a lot to be desired, and we intend to fight.
(He thumps on the desk and he falls through the floor. As he
falls he emits a long scream, fading away slowly. Another man comes
and looks down into the pit.)
Man: Hello Helllllllllloooooooooo! (to camera) Er
I, I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the Earth's crust. Er...
excuse me a moment. (goes and looks at Pit) Helloooo.
Minister: (unseen, a long way down) Helloooooo.
Man: Are you all fight minister?
Minister: I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge
Man: Shall we lower down one of the BBC ropes?
Minister: If you'd be so kind.
Man: What length of BBC rope will we be likely to need?
Minister: I should use the longest BBC rope. That would be
a good idea I would imagine.
Man: Okie dokie chief. Er, Tex get the longest BBC rope,
and bring it here pronto.
Minister: (still a long way down) In the meantime,
since I am on all channels, perhaps I'd better carry on with this
broadcast by shouting about our housing plans from down here as best
I can. Could someone throw me down a script. (man drops the
script down and Tex appears with enormous cod of rope) The
script would appear to have landed on a different ledge somewhat out
of my grasp, don't you know.
Man: Er, well perhaps when the rope reaches you minister
you could kind of swing over to the ledge and grab it.
Minister: Good idea.
(Cut to minister swinging on rope. Caption on screen: 'THE RT.
HON. LAMBERT WARBECK')
Minister: Well I'm going to carry on, if I can read the
script. He swings over to a ledge opposite with a script on it. As
he gets near he peers and starts reading.
Minister: Good evening. We in the Wood Party (he swings
away and then back) feel very strongly about (swings away and
back) the present weak drafting of the Local Government Bill and no,
no - it's no good, it's not working.., I think I'll have to try and
make a grab for it. Ah. There we are. ('he swings over and grabs
the script with one hand; he tries to turn to camera and continues)
Good evening. We in the Wood Party feel very strongly about the
present (he makes a vigorous gesture and in so doing lets go of
rope and slips so that he is now hanging upside down) ugh, ugh.
Oh dear. Hello!
Man: (out of vision) Hello.
Minister: Look, look, I must look a bit of a chump hanging
upside down like this.
Man: (out of vision) Don't worry minister. (cut
to man looking off-camera) I think love if we turn the picture
upside down we should help the minister, then.
Cut to minister. The picture is now the other way up. The
minister now appears to be the might way up)
Minister: Oh good. Look, er, I'm sorry about this, but
there seem to be a few gremlins about... I think I'd better start
from the beginning. Er, good evening, we in the Wood Party feel very
strongly about, oh ... (he drops script) Bloody heck. Oh, oh
dear, er terribly sorry about this, about saying bloody heck on all
channels, but, er...
Man: (out of vision) There's another script on the
way down minister.
Minister: Oh good, good. Well ... er... er... um... Good
evening. Er ... well... er... how are you? Er... Oh yes look, I
don't want you to think of the Wood Party as a load of old men that
like hanging around on ropes only I ... er ... oh ... oh.
(Meanwhile a man, the right way up, has been lowered down to
the minister. As the picture is reversed, he appears to be moving
straight up towards him. The minister sea him.)
Minister: Ah. Thank you. (taking script; the man on the
rope starts to climb back up) Good evening, we in the Wood Party
feel very strongly about the present weak drafting... (man falls
past with a scream) Look. I think we'd better call it a day.
(Cut to two men at a desk in a discussion set.)
First Robert: Is this the furthest distance that a
minister has fallen? Robert.
(Cut to Robert.)
Second Robert: Well surprisingly not. The Canadian
Minister for External Affairs fell nearly seven miles during a
Liberal Conference in Ottawa about six years ago, and then quite
recently the Kenyan Minister for Agric. and Fish fell nearly twelve
miles during a Nairobi debate in Parliament, although this hasn't
been ratified yet.
First Robert: Er, how far did the Filipino cabinet fall
Second Robert: Er, well they fell nearly thirty-nine miles
but it's not really so remarkable as that was due to their combined
weight, of course. Robert.
First Robert: Thank you, Robert. Well now what's your
reaction to all this, Robert?
(Cut to third Robert who is staring intently into camera. He
is wearing a fright wig and has a left eyebrow four inches above his
Third Robert: Well, well Robert the main thing is that
it's terribly exciting. You see the minister is quite dearly lodged
between rocks we know terribly little of. Terribly little. Of course
the main thing is we're getting color pictures of an extraordinarily
high quality. The important thing is, the really exciting thing is
the minister will (as he gets more excited he starts to emit
smoke) be bringing back samples of the Earth's core which will
give us a tremendous, really tremendous tremendous tremendous clue
about the origins of the Earth and what God himself is made of.
(he bursts into fire and someone has to throw a buckets of water
over him) Oh, oh I needed that.
(Cut back to first Robert.)
First Robert: Thank you Robert. Well that seems to be
about all we have time for tonight. Unless anyone has anything else
to say. Has anyone anything else to say?
(Various 'no's' plus one 'bloody fairy' and more no's, from a
very rapid montage of all the possible characters in this week's
show saying 'no'. The last one we come to is the Spearurn presenter.
He says more than no.)
Presenter: What do we mean by no, what do we mean by yes,
what do we mean by no, no, no. Tonight Spectrum looks at the whole
question of what is no.
(The sixteen-ton weight falls on him.)