Scene: Sporting Field, in particular a running track. Five
competitors run onto the pitch.
Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just
as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely
winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very
little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for
a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of
the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let
me just identify for you.
(close-up of the competitors)
Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene.
Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp.
Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare
time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards,
and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver
St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this
year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line,
there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's
orders ... and they're off!
(the starter fires the gun; nobody moves)
Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to
start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining
it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All
set to go.
(starter fires gun again; the twits move off erratically)
Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year. Oliver St
John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into
their first test, the straight line.
(the twits make their way erratically along five white lines)
They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over
and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through
quite fast on the outside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them
coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry,
and on the outside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot
and now, the position...
(the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high)
Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three
layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over
beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime - if only his father
could understand. Here's Nigel ... and now Gervaise is over he's,
er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it,
is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there he goes, Nigel's over,
beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver ... and Gervaise... oh bad
luck. And now it's Kicking the Beggar.
(the twits are kicking a beggar with a vending tray)
Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly
hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there.
Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here he comes, oh a
piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian 2,
Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's
(Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes)
There's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a
little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go,
no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this
boy, he doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any
sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise
(He is still kicking the beggar)
And he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down
and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can
move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off,
Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with
(the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a
Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon,
he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to
go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there
enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller
Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.
(shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old
And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed
into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's
going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbor. There's
Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his keys, no there's Vivian, he's
got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here
he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbor now.
(a man in bed in the middle of the pitch; twit slams car door
Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can't
get this neighbor woken up. He's slamming away there as best he can.
He's getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, he's woken him up
and Simon's through. Here comes Vivian, Vivian to slam the door, and
there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that's Gervaise there,
that's Gervaise going through there, and here, here comes Oliver,
brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the table, no I don't think
he is, yes he is,
(Oliver falls over the table)
He did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to him there, and there
I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel, Nigel has woken the
neighbor - my God this is exciting. Nigel's got very excited and
he's going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no this is,
er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the
waiter and he's forgotten.
(Simon runs past a waiter standing with a tray)
And Oliver has run himself over,
(Oliver lying in front of car)
What a great twit! And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult
the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating
him, there and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no
Vivian's in front of him at the bar.
(the twits each have several goes at getting under a bar of
wood five feet off the ground)
Simon's got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult
as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and
body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and Simon's fallen
backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he's
under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is
through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one over, there
we are, here's Nigel right at the head of the field,
(the twits approach five rabbits staked out on the ground;
they fire at them with shotguns)
And now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have
been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a bit frisky, and
this is only a one-day event. And they're blazing away there.
They're not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is
in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and
I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not
getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty
today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot.
But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a
couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are.
(they approach a line of shop window dummies each wearing only
They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second,
Simon third. And now they've got to take the bras off from the
front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most
difficult part of the entire competition, and they're having a bit
of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now and the crowd
is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather
(the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies)
Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon's in second
place, and, no there's Oliver, he's not necessarily out of it. There
goes Nigel, no he's lost something, and Gervaise running through to
this final obstacle.
(they approach a table with five revolvers laid out on it)
Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot
themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses. Nigel misses. Now
there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself - Gervaise is
Upperclass Twit of the Year. There's Nigel, he's shot Simon by
mistake, Simon is back up and there's Nigel, Nigel's shot himself:
Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the
Year Show I've ever seen. Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place.
(three coffins on stand with medals)
And so the final result:
- The Upperclass Twit of the Year - Gervaise Brook-Hampster.
- Runner up - Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith
- Third - Nigel Incubator-Jones
Well there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets
of Kensington tonight.