(Sketch opens in a police station.)
First Sergeant: (behind station counter into camera)
(Camera pulls back to show a man standing in front of the
Man: Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Speak up please, sir.
Man: I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: I can't hear you, sir.
Man: (bellowing) I wish to report a burglary!
First Sergeant: That's a little bit too loud. Can you say
it just a little less loud than that?
Man: (a little 1ouder than normal) I wish to report
First Sergeant: No... I'm still not getting anything...
Er, could you try it in a higher register?
Man: What do you mean in a higher register?
First Sergeant: What?
Man: (in a high-pitched voice) I wish to report a
First Sergeant: Ah! That's it, hang on a moment. (gets
out pencil and paper) Now a little bit louder.
Man: (louder and more.. high pitched) I wish to
report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Report a what?
Man: (by now a ridiculously high-pitched squeak)
First Sergeant: That's the exact frequency... now keep it
(Another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter.)
Second Sergeant: (in high-pitched voice) Hello,
First Sergeant: (in very deep voice) Evening
(The second sergeant is taking his coat off, and the first one
begins to pack up his papers. The man carries on with his tale of
woe, but still in a high-pitched shriek.)
Man: I was sitting at home with a friend of mine from
Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went to
investigate and found £5,000 stolen.
First Sergeant: Well, I'm afraid I'm going off duty now
sir. Er, could you tell
First Sergeant: Foster ....
(He leaves counter first Sergeant Foster comes forward with a
Man: (continues in high-pitched shriek) I was
sitting at home with a friend of mine.
Second Sergeant: Excuse me sir, but, 'ere why the funny
Man: (normal voice) Oh, terribly sorry. I'd just
got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
Second Sergeant: I'm terribly sorry... I can't hear you,
sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?
Man: What! Oh (in a very deep voice) I wish to
report the loss of £5,000.
Second Sergeant: £5,000.? That's serious, you'd better
speak to the detective inspector.
(At that moment, via the miracle of cueing, the detective
inspector comes out of his office.)
Inspector: (in very slow deep voice) What's the
Second Sergeant: (speaking at fantastic speed)
Inspector: (deep voice) I see. (turns to man and
addresses him in normal voice) Where do you live sir?
Man: (normal voice) 121, Halliwell Road, Dulwich,
(The detective inspector has been straining to hear but has
failed. The second sergeant comes in helpfu1ly)
Second Sergeant: (fast) 121,
Inspector: (squeak) Another Halliwell Road job eh,
First Sergeant: (fast)
Second Sergeant: (squeak) Yes, in Parkhurst.
First Sergeant: (deep) Well it must have been
Inspector: (very deep) Thank you, sergeant.
(normal voice to man) We'll get things moving right away, sir.
(he picks up phone and dials, at the same time he shrieks in high
voice to the tint sergeant) You take over here, sergeant
(very deep voice to the second sergeant) Alert all squad cars in
the area. (ridiculous sing-song voice into phone) Ha-allo
Dar-ling, I'm afra-ID I sh-A-ll BE L-ate H-O-me this evening.
(Meanwhile the second sergeant has a radio-controlled
microphone and is singing down it in fine operatic tenor.)
Second Sergeant: (singing) Calling all squad cars
in the area...
(Cut to vox pops.)
Lovely Girl: (in deep male voice, dubbed on) I
think that's in very bad taste.
President Nixon: (superimposed sheep bleating)
Upperclass Twit: Some people do talk in the most