Knock. Door opens.
Landlady: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?
Mr. Johnson: Yes, that's right. Yes.
Landlady: Oh, come on in. Excuse me not shaking hands,
I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boils. (Door
Johnson: Thank you.
Landlady: Oh, you must be tired. It's a long way from
Coventry, isn't it?
Johnson: Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours
and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with the 25 minute stop at
Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; and we had to wait half an
hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich.
Johnson: Then there was a three mile queue just before
Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see,
just before Bridgewater.
Landlady: Yeah. Really?
Johnson: We decided to risk it 'cause they always say
they're going to widen it there. Yes, well just by the intersection
there where the A372 joins up. There's plenty of room to widen it
there, there's only grass verges. They could get another six feet,
knock down that hospital. Then we took the coast road through
Williton - we got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe
Landlady: Well you must be dying for a cup of tea.
Johnson: Well, wouldn't say no, long as it's warm and wet.
Landlady: Well come on in the lounge, I'm just going to
serve afternoon tea.
Johnson: Very nice.
Landlady: Come on in, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson and meet Mr.
and Mrs. Phillips.
Mr. Phillips: Good afternoon.
Johnson: Good afternoon.
Landlady: It's their third time here; we can't keep you
away, can we? And over there is Mr. Hilter.
(In the corner are three German generals in full Nazi uniform,
poring over a map.)
Hilter: Ach. Ha! Gut time, er, gut afternoon.
Landlady: Oho, planning a little excursion, eh, Mr. Hilter?
Hilter: Ja, ja, ve haff a little... (to Bimmler)
was ist Abweise bewegen?
Hilter: Ah yes, ve make a little *hike* for Bideford.
Johnson: Ah yes. Well, you'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've
got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe
and Barnstaple section.
Hilter: Ah! Stalingrad! Ha ha ha, Heinri...Reginald, you
have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-vicket English
Bimmler: I'm sorry mein Fuhrer, mein (cough) mein Dickie
Landlady: Oh, lucky Mr. Johnson pointed that out. You
wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you? Ha ha.
(stony silence) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in
Stalingrad, would you?
Hilter: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.
Landlady: Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is
Ron. Ron Vibbentrop.
Johnson: Oh, not Ron Vibbentrop, eh?
Vibbentrop: Nein! Nein! Oh. Ha ha. Different other chap. I
in Somerset am being born. Ron Vibbentrop is born
Gotterdammerstrasse 46, Dusseldorf Vest 8.....so they say!
Landlady: And this is the quiet one, Heinrich Bimmler.
Bimmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of
Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was
given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house
all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable
to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to
Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without
doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby
Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and
hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you
know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years.(Hilter
elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hilter elbows him
again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was
not, I make joke! (laughs)
Landlady: Oh, Mr. Bimmler. You do have us on!
(Telephone rings) Oh excuse me. I'd better get that.
Johnson: How long are you down here for, Mr. Hilter, just
Hilter: Vot you ask that for, are you a spy? Get on
against the wall, Britischer Pig, you are going to die!
Bimmler: Take it easy, Dickie old chum!
Vibbentrop: He's a bit on edge, Mr. Johnson, he hasn't
slept since 1945.
Hilter: Shut your cake-hole, you Nazi!
Vibbentrop: Cool it, Fuhrer cat!
Bimmler: Ha ha, the fun we have!
Johnson: Haven't I seen you on the television?
Hilter, Vibbentrop, & Bimmler: (hastily) Nicht.
Johnson: Simon Dee show, or was it Frosty?
Hilter, Vibbentrop, & Bimmler: Nein. No.
Landlady: Telephone, Mr. Hilter. It's Mr. McGoering from
the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can
hire bombers by the hour...?
Hilter: If he opens his big mouth again, it's Lapschig
Bimmler: Shut up! Ha ha, hire bombers! He's a joker, that
Vibbentrop: Good old Norman!
Landlady: (to Johnson) He's on the phone the whole
Johnson: In business, is he?
Bimmler: Soon, baby!
Landlady: Of course it's his big day Thursday. They've
been planning it for months.
Johnson: What's happening Thursday then?
Landlady: Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr.
Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist. He's got wonderful
plans for Minehead!
Johnson: Like what?
Landlady: Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.
Johnson: North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?
Landlady: Well, yes, he gets a lot of people at his
(Short scene cut: huge crowds outside going "Sieg Heil. Sieg
Heil. Sieg Heil.")
Hilter: I am not a racialist, but...and dis is a big
but...the National Bocialist party says that das (stream of
Bimmler: Mr. Hilter (Hilter slaps him) ...Hilter
says historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already!
Hilter: Und der Minehead ist nicht die letze (stream of
German)...in die Welt!
Crowd: Sieg Heil.
( Cut to interviews on the street: )
Yokel: Oi don't loike the sound of these 'ere
Woman: Well, I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it in
Upper class: Well, I think he'd do a lot of good to the
Gumby: I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS!
Conservative: (droning) Well... well... as the
Conservative candidate I just drone on and on and on and on without
letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start to froth
at the mouth and fall over backwards. Ooo-aaahhh. (THUD)